A Decent Cup of Coffee

I have just had a cup of freshly ground Medellin Excelso coffee, whose beans were purchased at H. R. Higgins Ltd of Mayfair, W1. Very refreshing it was, too.

The reason for its quality, apparently, is the soil in which the beans were grown: Colombian soil. Colombian soil also accounts for the quality of that country’s other main export, cocaine. Indeed, experts tell me that anywhere that’s good for cocaine is also good for coffee. Fortunately, however, coffee is somewhat more straightforward to purchase, as it doesn’t involve furtive transactions down seedy back alleys with all the associated risks of being solicited by prostitutes, stabbed by muggers, or detained in a police “sting” operation. And, when you buy a pound of coffee, unlike cocaine, you can be reasonably sure that it hasn’t been adulterated with other substances. So you are actually getting 100 per cent coffee, and not a coffee/acorn or coffee/cat-litter mix (at least, I hope that’s the case).

I suppose there are other reasons why we should be grateful that coffee doesn’t share cocaine’s unsavoury reputation. It if did, stores such as Marks & Spencer and Sainsburys would probably have all-out turf wars over its distribution. Then, if a low cost retailer such as Aldi tried to muscle in and undercut them, there would be bloodshed on the streets. I, personally, wouldn’t be keen on having a bomb lobbed through my window simply because I’d bought a jar of Economy Instant blend.

If this sort of thing did happen over control of the coffee market, it’s probable that many retail establishments would then switch to selling safer alternatives, such as crystal meth and heroin ("Psychostimulant desoxyephedrine with that all-important cascading release of norepinephrine, dopamine, and seretonin: This isn't just crystal meth, this is Marks & Spencer's crystal meth."). Which, in turn, could lead to a blanket clampdown by the authorities on all retail goods, not just drugs. As a result, an illegal black market trade might arise. The street value of cord trousers would go through the roof. Sock pushers would approach you in back alleys and try to sell you nylon socks by the gram. If such deals went wrong - the would-be purchaser discovered that his socks had got holes in them, for example, or they were a mismatched pair, or a nylon/wool blend - it could lead to street-corner shoot-outs. And burglary rates would sky-rocket as those with with an expensive slipper habit went on crime sprees to finance their illegal purchases.

But at least I’ll still be guaranteed a decent cup of coffee, which, at the end of the day, is all that really matters to me.