Splitting Up

Impotent amoebas must be the most pitiful of creatures. A normal, sexually active amoeba just gets on with it and splits in two, of course. Then the two halves say to each other, "Was it good for you, too?" before having a cigarette and subdividing yet again. And again. A sexually dysfunctional amoeba, on the other hand, can't manage even an initial split. Instead, he stretches and stretches, but at the critical moment, just snaps back into his original shape again in a trice, like a distended rubber band. This is tragic.

Another unfortunate thing is that amoebas can't wank to assuage their frustrations. This is because for an amoeba, as with Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand, a wank is sex. But amoebas don’t even have the mild consolation of a box of Kleenex.

All of this means that amoeba impotence clinics are very sorry places indeed. I expect that in an attempt to effect some sort of cure, amoeba sex therapists show their patients pornographic amoeba videos, containing images of Christmas crackers being pulled and train carriages being divided and shunted. It rarely ever works. But if it does, the happiest thing the therapist can hear the amoeba say are the words, "We're splitting up." Unlike in a human relationship, this is indicative of a successful outcome.

It's a good job that amoebas aren't sexually rampant, though. This is because an amoeba "gang bang" would be the equivalent of a fission bomb going off. Anyone who was suffering from amoebic dysentery would explode.