Saturday, January 24, 2009

A Decent Cup of Coffee

I have just had a cup of freshly ground Medellin Excelso coffee, whose beans were purchased at H. R. Higgins Ltd of Mayfair, W1. Very refreshing it was, too.

The reason for its quality, apparently, is the soil in which the beans were grown: Colombian soil. Colombian soil also accounts for the quality of that country’s other main export, cocaine. Indeed, experts tell me that anywhere that’s good for cocaine is also good for coffee. Fortunately, however, coffee is somewhat more straightforward to purchase, as it doesn’t involve furtive transactions down seedy back alleys with all the associated risks of being solicited by prostitutes, stabbed by muggers, or detained in a police “sting” operation. And, when you buy a pound of coffee, unlike cocaine, you can be reasonably sure that it hasn’t been adulterated with other substances. So you are actually getting 100 per cent coffee, and not a coffee/acorn or coffee/cat-litter mix (at least, I hope that’s the case).

I suppose there are other reasons why we should be grateful that coffee doesn’t share cocaine’s unsavoury reputation. It if did, stores such as Marks & Spencer and Sainsburys would probably have all-out turf wars over its distribution. Then, if a low cost retailer such as Aldi tried to muscle in and undercut them, there would be bloodshed on the streets. I, personally, wouldn’t be keen on having a bomb lobbed through my window simply because I’d bought a jar of Economy Instant blend.

If this sort of thing did happen over control of the coffee market, it’s probable that many retail establishments would then switch to selling safer alternatives, such as crystal meth and heroin ("Psychostimulant desoxyephedrine with that all-important cascading release of norepinephrine, dopamine, and seretonin: This isn't just crystal meth, this is Marks & Spencer's crystal meth."). Which, in turn, could lead to a blanket clampdown by the authorities on all retail goods, not just drugs. As a result, an illegal black market trade might arise. The street value of cord trousers would go through the roof. Sock pushers would approach you in back alleys and try to sell you nylon socks by the gram. If such deals went wrong - the would-be purchaser discovered that his socks had got holes in them, for example, or they were a mismatched pair, or a nylon/wool blend - it could lead to street-corner shoot-outs. And burglary rates would sky-rocket as those with with an expensive slipper habit went on crime sprees to finance their illegal purchases.

But at least I’ll still be guaranteed a decent cup of coffee, which, at the end of the day, is all that really matters to me.

7 comments:

K. McEgan. said...

I spent 49p on Tescos "Value" brand instant,which is reasonably good for a hangover cure.I dont mind the M&S crystal meth ad as long as Dervla Kirwan does the V/O.

Joe Slavko said...

Dervla Kirwan is a sad slapper. I wouldn't shag her if you paid me to.

K. McEgan. said...

An unlikely occurance.Last night I had to deal with a fuckwit.Security twit enters TV room and starts giving it "Closes at midnight" whereas the two other guys just let you watch to the films end.Then he goes all "If you had a heart attack in a locked building..."So I counter with "You would have to do CPR" He has no knowledge of it SO WHAT FUCKING USE IS HE IN THE EVENT OF A HEART ATTACK?Tonight I shall give him the 1000 yd stare.I was going to Fight Club at the gym but I'll just got to weights instead.

Joe Slavko said...

I thought it was taken as read that you don't talk about Fight Club.

I have reconsidered my position on Dervla Kirwan and, out of the goodness of my heart, am prepared to give her a "charity fuck".

K. McEgan. said...

Her husband might object.Why call it Fight Club if its just boxercise?On a longeur I was on the punchbags last night & this pilgrim (shaven head,attitude)starts effing away in the corner and generally BEING HARD.I started laughing.

montesqusmith said...

Good morning Mr S.

I recently, due to persuasive advertising, succumbed to purchasing some free-trade coffe - assuming by its price: 1)It would taste of a relatively acceptable quality, and 2)Doing a good deed would offset any further negative acts I chose to carry out that day i.e twatting a nun with a brick.

Unfortunately, when the pot was made it tasted not entirely dissimilar to my own lower colon. I have thus arrived at the conclusion that those coffe blends that endorse fair trade create lazy workers by providing good wages and job security - ultiamtely resulting in a shit beveridge.

The exploitation coffe providers, conversiy, thrash their sweat shop employees and thus, being grateful for any employment, thank their line-carrying AK-47-manager accordingly. The coffe sure tastes good as well.

In summary, those with few rights and not much access to job secuurty or indeed 'a job' take better pride in their work.

Joe Slavko said...

If you want a genuinely shit beverage, and want to pay a premium for the privilege, I can heartily endorse http://www.animalcoffee.com/ . While it may not taste exactly like your lower colon, it will probably come pretty close.