Sunday, January 11, 2009

Fimus Sanctus

You know, something’s troubling me about the Catholic Mass that I attended last Sunday.

After the congregation eat the Communion wafer, the corporeal essence of Jesus is then treated by the human digestive system like any other foodstuff, and eventually gets transformed into shit. Which means that the Holy Shit goes through the sewage system and gets mixed in with everyone else's shit. So, effectively, Jesus gets combined with the faeces of Godless unbelievers, thereby diluting the Shit's holiness.

To avert such a tragedy, in my opinion, the homes of Catholics should be plumbed separately from the homes of the heathen, and their waste outlets all directed to a special Catholic-only sewage works. This would ensure the accumulation of a holier grade of excrement. Indeed, so holy would it be that such sewage works would probably be able to serve the same function as shrines such as Lourdes and Fatima. Those afflicted in mind and body could come along, sniff of the Holy Shit, and be miraculously cured of their ailments.

Alternatively, if the Catholic Church didn't like this idea, they might arrange to bypass the digestive system entirely. This they could do by directing their Priests to offer Communicants, not an orally ingested Host, but a Body of Christ Suppository that would gradually release its pure Jesusness over a 24 hour period. Given that He's going to be in the arse region at some time, anyway, He may as well start his journey there. In order to partake of the Holy Suppository, Communicants would have to bare their arses to the Priest and, as best they could, fart an "Amen" in response to his "The body of Christ" (or corpus Christi if it’s a Latin mass).

Or perhaps a Jesus patch, like one of those nicotine patches, would be better. You'd probably have to take special care not to inadvertently swallow a Host while you're wearing one of these patches, though, or you might overdose on holiness and suddenly turn into a Pope. This isn't something that I, personally, would want to do. Not unless I urgently needed my ceiling painted, anyway.

3 comments:

K. MacEgan. said...

I commented on this earlier today & it was wiped!I put "Joe Slavko" on my blog but it seems to appear at the base of my tags.

Joe Slavko said...

Not by me, it wasn't.

"Joe Slavko" doesn't work, either. You can't click on it.

K. MacEgan. said...

I saw that!Fucking outrageous.I shall get onto it.Never suggested you deleted one of my emissions.Trying to prepare for my poxy audition!