Thursday, January 01, 2009


Many types of food packaging carry warnings about mishandling the contents. Pop Tarts, for example, alert people to the fact that the things contain boiling hot jam and could burn the hands. Cooking Oil bottles warn you not to put hot oil back into the bottle, lest there be an explosion. Bags of nuts advise people that there are nuts in the bag and that, consequently, people who are likely to go into anaphylactic shock through eating them shouldn’t.

Why, then, is there no similar warning with whisky bottles?

In my opinion, whisky bottles ought to be calibrated with a hangover index, explaining what sort of after-effects one might expect from consuming a given percentage of the contents. So the first calibration, just below the neck, would say “Slightly muzzy feeling first thing in the morning - soon wears off.” The second would say, “Quite dry throat and mild headache”. These would go all the way to the bottom of the bottle, increasing in severity, until you reached “Completely fucks up, not just your day, but the following one, too”.

But because whisky bottles aren't calibrated in this way, one ought to be able to sue the manufacturers if one acquires a hangover from consuming the contents.


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