Monday, January 12, 2009


Yesterday evening I was informed by a woman that, rather than frown - my de facto facial expression - I should smile more often because, "You have a lovely smile." (Along with the lovely all the rest of me, of course.)

The quality of my smile is no doubt enhanced by the fact that my teeth are individually protected by DenPlan, the dental equivalent of PPP and BUPA. For a monthly fee, DenPlan gives me the confidence to eat the stickiest, sugary foodstuffs, sure in the knowledge that, should decay ever occur, I can visit my up-market private dentist at any time, day or night, and be treated without having to pay an extra penny. Likewise, every tooth is individually polished to a pearly gleam by the expert private hygienist, such that the ensemble of canines and incisors dazzle with their collective radiance. Consequently, my teeth are in great demand in all the up-market eateries.

This has set me to thinking, though: You're not allowed into a top restaurant if you're shabbily dressed, so why should you be allowed in if you've got teeth that can't - literally and figuratively speaking - cut the mustard? The answer is that you shouldn't. People who are treated by NHS dentists and who, as a result, have NHS teeth, should only be permitted to dine in places like McDonald's and Pizza Hut, where the down-market food perfectly complements their down-market mouth equipment.

Policing this would be easy. Restaurants would simply station a bouncer at their entrance whose job it would be to open the mouth and examine the teeth of those wishing to eat within. Naturally, those sporting prominent over-bites and amalgam of mercury fillings would be turned away, much as people wearing jeans or baseball caps would be turned away. At the same time, the bouncer could assess the age and general health of the would-be diners, allowing him to seat potential breeding material at adjacent tables.

Of course, some people with NHS teeth might object to being turned away and protest, loudly. There would, however, be a solution to their dilemma. In the same way that badly-dressed diners are sometimes offered the loan of a jacket or tie by the restaurant, badly-toothed diners should be offered the loan of a set of up-market dentures. But only if they agreed to allow the bouncer to punch out their offending teeth beforehand.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for posting that (outdated) photo I have now dropped a few pounds. How does one work Aristotle, Socrates & Plato into a BB audition (in the Attic original?)

Joe Slavko said...

You could say it's a piece by Aristophanes. As I recall, one of his plays featured a character based on Socrates. Also, if you're being historically accurate, you should attach a giant phallus to yourself (all Ancient Greek comedy actors did). That, if nothing else, should get the attention of the BB producers.

Anonymous said...

The phallus may have helped!Just got back from the audition.A gal with nice tits from Belfast was chosen.Quelle surprise.Two metrosexual guys also.Ripping the piss out of Vanessa/Fiona/Rebecca the production Asst didnt help.

Joe Slavko said...

I am fortunate in that I wouldn't have to attach a giant phallus to myself, as there is already one there naturally.

Would you really want to live for six weeks with a bunch of weirdo strangers, knowing that you were fair game for the tabloids?