Thursday, January 15, 2009


Early this morning, I looked in my sock drawer to find that it contained just two socks: one blue, the other black. But you know what? I put them on, anyway. Why? Because that’s the kind of man I am. I spit in the face of society’s so-called conventions. I am a dangerous free-thinker, responsible only to myself. The opinions of others mean nothing to me. If a rule is to be flouted, I will flout it. I live on the edge, exuding a palpable air of menace that puts other men in awe and quickens the heartbeat of women.

Next, I turned to my shoes. Why, I asked myself, should I be bound by the accepted wisdom that says one should wear a matching pair? Accordingly, I put a Barker brogue on my left foot and a Church “Classic” on my right. Unfortunately, this combination proved somewhat less successful. I soon discovered that the heel on the Church is about half an inch longer than that on the Barker. Consequently, the ensemble caused me to start limping around like a land-mine victim with an artificial limb. As there are few land-mines in Hertfordshire, I might have been mistaken for some sort of spastic, so gave up on this. The socks were enough, anyway. And a lot safer.

Why safer?

Because in the same way that it’s regarded as an unacceptable faux pas for two women to turn up to a social event wearing an identical dress, I get equally irritated when I find out that a man is wearing the same socks as me. More often than not I’ll simply leave in a huff. Sometimes, however, I get so fucked off that I take him outside and kick the shit out him. I suppose, therefore, that the fact that I’m now wearing odd socks makes it safer for other men in that, dull conformists that most of them are, they’re highly unlikely to be wearing a pair that clashes with mine.

In fact, with this in mind, perhaps sock manufacturers should start to sell only odd socks. This will then make getting dressed a more intellectually rigorous experience, of course, as, henceforth, you’ll have to remember exactly which mismatched sock goes with the other to make up the pair.

On the down-side, there’s always the lurking danger that, having taken them to the launderette to be washed, you might return to find that you’ve now got a dozen matching pairs.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Daily Telegraph "Slavko out of control".Reports of Joe Slavko wearing odd coloured socks are now widespread throughout the northern home counties.Tory leader Cameron said "Where will it end?".Liberals have called for an immediate debate.Senegal has sealed its borders "just in case".