Sunday, January 18, 2009

Neologism

Someone was saying the other day that 30 is the new 20. Maybe. And, according to Oprah Winfrey, who obviously knows these things because she's on television, 50 is the new 40. Extrapolating downwards in this way, therefore, we can readily deduce that birth must be the new conception. All of which clearly makes sex redundant as a means of species renewal and confirms what many have believed all along:

We are all the products either of the stork or the interior of the midwife’s bag. (Except, of course, for those fucking deviants who gestate under gooseberry bushes.)

This should be good news for Catholics, as it means that mechanical and oral contraceptive devices are now factored out of the reproductive equation entirely and can be used with impunity. If, indeed, you actually want to use them at all. After all, what’s the point of sticking a condom over your nob or popping an oestrogen/progestogen pill if the only end-result is a decrease in sensitivity and a tendency to sprout a moustache?

On the other hand, it does allow the Vatican to introduce whole new categories of sins. Fitting a lock to a midwife’s bag, for example, could easily be construed as a means of birth control. Likewise attaching a cowl to your chimney, as this will prevent the stork dropping the baby down it. In fact, I’ll bet some Godless degenerates will start bringing out ranges of fruit-flavoured and ribbed chimney cowls, just to piss off the Pope. Some may even glow in the dark.

But at least these will prevent people from catching VD when stoking their fires. And I imagine they will now pay a Hell of a lot more attention to their mantelpiece when they’re doing so.

4 comments:

K. MacEgan. said...

Oprah went a bit doolally when her DNA results came through.She is almost certainly Kpeme but opted for the more glamourous and less realistic Zulu.

Joe Slavko said...

That's understandable, as I see that Kpeme's main export is phosphates, ie compacted bird shit.

K. MacEgan. said...

Mea culpa maxima.Its K'pele.Their main export is amputees,they ae the punters in Sierra Leone who cut of kids hands.No wonder she opted for Zululand.I am trying to make sense of my own DNA readout.How the hell did Sephardic Kohanim make it to Ireland?

Joe Slavko said...

Joseph of Arimathea reputedly made it over to England, with Jesus in tow ("Did those feet in ancient times, etc, etc"), so it's not inconceivable that a boat full of Sephardic kohan-im went the extra mile and landed in Ireland. Exactly why they'd want to is quite another matter, of course.