Saturday, January 10, 2009

Ass Ablution

Every morning I have a shower. It takes just two minutes. In that time I’m able to shampoo my hair and soap and rinse my body. Then, thoroughly cleansed and invigorated, I climb out, dry myself, shave, and face the day (remembering to dress first, of course). I reckon I use, maximum, a gallon of water.

What a contrast to the energy and resource-wasting filthy slovens who sit in a bath. A bath takes several minutes to fill and uses several gallons more water than a shower. Consequently, commensurately more energy is needed to heat that water. And the worst part is, when you have a bath, you’re basically wallowing in your own filth. It’s therefore the exact equivalent of taking a piss or a crap, jumping into the lavatory pan afterwards, and then forgetting to flush.

People who take baths make me want to fucking puke.

To discourage people from taking baths, tiny, carnivorous fish should be introduced into the water supply. A shower head, naturally, would filter them all out (and they could then be collected up and later grilled on toast to make a nourishing snack). But a bath tap would let them all through, to happily munch on unprotected bits of body and swim up orifices. As a result, a “nice, relaxing Radox bath” could well reduce you to a skeleton in under two minutes.

Good riddance, say I.

I suppose, if you insisted on emulating a sponge but still wanted to save energy and resources, you could always do what Cleopatra did and bathe in asses’ milk. But then you’d need a separate hot and cold ass plus a mixer unit linked to their teats so as to get the temperature of your bath absolutely right. Too cold and you’d risk turning into some sort of human-flavoured yoghurt. Too hot and a skin might form on the surface of your bath, making it difficult, if not impossible, to get out afterwards. If you couldn’t, you’d be trapped and eventually go sour.

Another problem with asses is that people like Samson often come along, nick their jaw-bones, and use them for smiting Philistines. This means that, mid-bath, a Philistine war party might try to pre-empt him by stealing your asses before he can get to them. Which in turn could so piss off Samson that he’d place his hands on each of your bathroom walls, push them apart, and cause the whole house to fall on you and kill you.

All in all it seems far better just to take a shower, then you don’t have to deal with these inconveniences.

4 comments:

K. MacEgan. said...

What about those minute fish that live in the Amazon and swim up yer urethrea?Showers are a bind for the more Herculean build.Ver few accommodate my wide shoulders.Even wider than Samson.

Joe Slavko said...

Indeed. My shoulders are so wide that I have to enter conventional shower cubicles sideways. Fortunately, my own cubicle was constructed specifically to accommodate my hyper-muscular physique. You, and three like you, would easily be able to squeeze in.

K. MacEgan. said...

Is it possible to get a link from Ron Broxteds blog to yours?

Joe Slavko said...

As I recall, you go to the "Journal" menu, then select "Customize Journal Style", at which point you should find a "Links List" menu.