Thursday, January 22, 2009

Vlad the Impaler

This morning, after a strenuous workout in the gym, I took a piss in the establishment's lavatory. Nothing unusual in this, as I tend to drink a lot of bladder-distending water while exercising. But there was one thing of note today: In the urinal, I saw a piss-drenched five pence piece. This set me thinking: How did it get there?

I suppose it’s conceivable that someone urinated it out of his system, as, apparently, you can with gallstones. Had I been that person, however, I wouldn’t have been content with just the one coin. I’d have hung around awhile and taken a few more pisses, in the hope that I might pass £1 or £2, or maybe even a Krugerrand. Then again, it’s possible that that’s exactly what did happen. Painful, probably (especially if you’re still possessed of a foreskin), but, given the rising price of gold these days, well worth doing, nonetheless. Afterwards, perhaps, the individual who’d produced the coins fished the higher value ones out of the urine, but left those of lesser worth behind.

Another possibility, of course, is that someone chucked the coin in there merely in order to see if anyone would indeed pick it up. As I recall, Vlad Ţepeş, aka Vlad the Impaler, used a not dissimilar ploy in 15th century Wallachia. Except, in his case, it wasn't a 5p piece, but a gold chalice, left, apparently unguarded, in the middle of a courtyard. I don’t think he pissed on it, but he did impale to death anyone who picked up the chalice and went off with the thing. Or, if it was a woman with children, he'd boil the children to death and make her eat them. (This must have been before the days of “honesty boxes.”)

Anyhow, I didn’t reckon it was worth being impaled on a stake for just 5p (even £1 would be pushing it), so I left it there. One never knows, though. Given the current economic climate, some people might actually think it worth risking their lives for. After all, 5ps do add up if you can collect enough of them. It’s only to be hoped, therefore, that the person doing the impaling is of the same calibre as Vlad, and able to offer a bulwark against Muslim expansionism in Europe.

9 comments:

K. McEgan. said...

Drink a lot?Gym workout?Listen when I started martial arts in the (19)80s rehydration was for pansies and wuzzes (wuzzi, pl).Thin end of the wedge next you'll be "experimenting" at gay clubs.

Joe Slavko said...

Yes, but some of us can lift weights a bit heavier than those girly, pink dumbells that you use .....

K. McEgan. said...

Wonder if girl with black velvet hairband will be at gym tonight?Given up on Sigrid the frigid Swede.If Francesca The Cougar is there may ask her to "Valkerie".

Joe Slavko said...

How old is this Francesca? You're not having one of these middle age crises, are you, pursuing some 20something? I can get away with this because, biologically, my age is arrested at 37 and has been for more than a decade. I fear, however, that lesser men cannot.

K. McEgan. said...

Francesca was 50 on 10th April last.She would eat you for breakfast.

Joe Slavko said...

Au contraire. Over-awed by my raw masculinity, she would be putty in my hands. That's if I were to bother, of course. I can't see a 50 year old being worth the effort.

K. McEgan. said...

USP-huge chest.

Joe Slavko said...

USP?

Huge chests in 50 year old women usually go hand-in-hand with hugeness in the rest of them. If not, more often than not, it's evidence of the use of silicone.

K. McEgan. said...

At the risk of getting my face slapped shall I ask her?I did mention you (J.S) perhaps she is lurking in cyber space reading your emissions?Ay oop the muezzins starting.