Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Flabby Bastards (3)

Earlier today I went to the gym for the first time this year. Unfortunately, my workout routine was impeded by the presence of large numbers of lardy-gut bastards who were obviously newcomers, both to the gym itself and to the concepts of exercise and proper nutrition. Because they had no idea how to use either the weights or the equipment, staff members had to put all these disgusting, porky twats through “induction” routines in an attempt to ensure they didn’t kill themselves through over-exertion or incorrect use of the machines (some of them would no doubt have attempted to eat the leather-covered lat pulldown bar, believing it to be a giant liquorice stick). As a result, I had to wait forever to finish. Indeed, some exercises – on the Smith machine and the shoulder press, for example – I had to give up on altogether.

This is an iniquitous situation.

In Formula One racing, does Lewis Hamilton have to slow down to 10mph because there’s a line of learner drivers in front of him? Are novice skiers allowed to go down black runs? Is Olympic Gold Medallist swimmer, Michael Phelps, obliged to tread water because the lanes of the pool have all been roped off to accommodate people wearing water wings who can’t even manage a respectable breast stroke? No, of course not. So, by the same token, why should grossly unfit individuals be allowed to clog my exercise facilities and imperil the maintenance of my body? The potential consequences could be horrendous.

Think, for instance, of the film Casino Royale. When Bond emerges from the Caribbean, dripping sea water and oozing masculinity, drop-dead-gorgeous Solange gives him the once over and is obviously smitten at first sight. As a result, Bond can get to her husband, Alex Dimitrios, through her, thus preventing the prototype Super Jumbo from being blown up at Miami Airport, and so thwarting Le Chiffre’s plans to finance world terrorism. However, had Bond not been able to exercise for a few days because some lardy-gut wanker had been hogging the gym equipment, Solange might have looked at him and thought, “He’s OK, I suppose, but the abs are a little undefined and I really do think those pecs needs some more work.” So she’d have spurned Bond’s advances, the plane would have been blown up, and Le Chiffre would have been able to donate his millions to Al-Quaeda, who’d then have probably bought off-the-shelf nuclear weapons, detonated them in both Washington and London, and killed millions.

And all because some FAT, FUCKING CUNT doesn’t know how to use a reverse bench-press machine.

In my opinion, if you're unfit, you should first have to go to a dedicated Fat Cunts' Gym in order to work off some of the flab. Then you should be allowed to progress to a Moderately Porky Gym. But only when you have acquired my enviable physique and musculature (43 inch chest, 32 inch waist, six-pack abs) should you be allowed to use Ultra-Fit He-Man equipment.


Anonymous said...

I feel your pain.I too agree.May I add a rider? That any worthless cunt not benching in the 200kgs region be told to piss off.If you have an 11 inch chest/waist ratio you are in Schwarzenegger country.Yours Sincerly, K MacEgan,47 chest,38 waist,17 neck,17 upper arm (DSO and bar).

Joe Slavko said...

Indeed. But how many much of those 47 and 38 inches (the 38 inches, in particular, are highly suspect) are actually made up of muscle, rather than fat? And when you refer to the 200KG bench press, how many reps would that be?

Now I must away and admire my He-Man physique in the mirror.

Anonymous said...

Highly suspect?I have seen no photo evidence of your claim to a Herculean physique.I think the last body fat index I had was (at this point the computer mysteriously breaks down) and as for bench pressing,one.One rep.

Joe Slavko said...

All the photos of me demonstrate my Herculean physique. Maybe when I'm slightly more ripped, a shirt-off shot would be in order. Then again, the site might then grind to a halt as millions of women attempt to view it simultaneously.

Anonymous said...

Theres a geezer down the gym.Brian. He is so well defined he looks like someone drew him.He knows Francesca The Cougar.