Erectile Dysfunction

According to a newspaper article I’ve been reading this morning, 77 per cent of men suffer from some sort of sexual dysfunction at some time during their lives. Usually it's short term. However, eight per cent of men, sadly, are permanently afflicted.

Given the widespread popularity of this malady, and its history, I was wondering why there are no recorded instances of Jesus ever curing it. It must, after all, have occurred in First Century Palestine. But try as I might, nowhere in the New Testament do I find anything along the lines of "Lord, I cannot get it up. If thou wilt, make me erect", or "Master, I habitually splurge just two seconds after I stick it in. Say the word, that I might acquire a respectable length of time."

After much thought, though, I realise that the explanation is in fact quite straightforward: Jesus Himself simply didn't understand the concept of impotence. This is because He'd received a somewhat imperfect account of the facts of life from His parents. When, during His early teens, He'd asked, "Mummy, how are babies made?", the Virgin Mary came out with some story about being fucked through the ear by an archangel and impregnated with the Holy Spirit (which is why, in medieval times, women kept their ears covered – they were regarded as erogenous zones). Obviously, anyone who's told this sort of thing at an impressionable age is bound to get an odd perspective on life.

So thereafter, whenever anyone approached Him with his limp dick in his hand, Jesus would pay it no heed. He thought that the only function of a penis was for pissing. Indeed, I'll bet if He ever did see anyone with a stiffy, He assumed it was some sort of disease or inflammation and tried to cure it by laying on of hands.

Perhaps he did this with Caiaphas or other members of the Sanhedrin, which might explain the real reason behind His crucifixion.