White for Danger

This morning, while out walking by the river, I saw some rabbits. They saw me, too. When they did, they ran off. This is partly understandable, I suppose, because I sometimes cook rabbits. Then again, I usually leave it to the butcher to source them so, really, it’s him they should actually be afraid of. Whatever, they legged it, regardless, while simultaneously exposing the white, under-parts of their tails – apparently a universal rabbit “danger” signal.

This is one of the things that pisses me off about rabbits. Their alert system is too catch-all and permanently “on.” There’s no discrimination, either. For example, I have a colleague who’s a vegetarian, but he tells me that he gets this from rabbits, too, when out walking. Surely, though, he’s no threat to those rabbits at all. It’s cabbages and carrots that should be genuinely worried in his case. So why hasn’t Nature ensured that they employ a similar system and take off at speed whenever he’s in the vicinity?

Another thing: If I were to walk around all day, periodically hoisting a placard saying, “For fuck’s sake, flee for your lives!” but not specifying why or exactly what the danger is, or from whom – basically, exactly what the rabbits are doing - I suppose that, initially, many people would scream and run, as per my instructions. After a while, however, surely several would start to think, “What exactly am I supposed to be afraid of here? Life is risk, is it not? I can’t live in a state of permanent fear. Henceforth, therefore, I shall treat each day as a gift and laugh in the face of fear.”

In fact, isn’t this exactly what’s happening with all these Terror Alerts we get these days? Essentially, the Government has been telling us that we should all be living in a state of abject fear because of the unspecified potential threat of some sort of shadowy enemy. But now the more astute amongst us realize that, far from being a sign of Government concern for our wellbeing, it’s merely a ruse to subjugate and control us and keep us in situation of permanent panic.

Maybe the rabbits will eventually realize this as well, and rebel against their fascistic leadership. After all, how many instances have there ever been of, say, Islamic fundamentalist rabbits blowing themselves up down burrows? Has any rabbit burrow been targeted by airborne lepus jihadists? Where are the rabbit Al-Quaeda cells? Well, exactly.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself. Let us be at one with the cabbages and the carrots, therefore. And castrate all vegetarians, just to be on the safe side.