Exporting My Good Taste

“For the apparel oft proclaims the man,” says Polonius in Hamlet. Or, as the Working Class, comprehensive school dullards are more likely to misquote it: “Clothes maketh the man.” Whichever, yes, I agree. More than this, however. I also believe that clothes can make civilization itself. What’s more, next week, I intend to prove it.

You see, today, I received a flyer through the door requesting donations of cast-off, old clothing. It was printed with pictures of native people wearing nothing but loin cloths, torn robes, and dirty rags. Certainly not the sort of stuff that GQ or FHM would ever feature. The unfortunates depicted in the photographs didn’t look particularly trendy, anyway, and compounded this by sitting in shit. So what this charity organization intends to do is export proper clothes to these Third World individuals, presumably so that they’ll start looking more fashionable and won’t sit in shit.

As it happens, I have a number of items that I no longer wear on a regular basis. Either they’re getting a little worn, or they just aren’t “me” any more. Whatever, next week I’ll go through my extensive wardrobes, collect up these unwanted garments, and deposit them in the plastic bag provided. Then they’ll be exported and help transform the Third World economies into thrusting First World ones.

How can mere clothes do this? you ask.

Think about it. At the moment, someone like, say, a Bornean headhunter thinks nothing of dashing through the jungle, near naked, brandishing a spear and killing members of neighbouring tribes. But what if he were wearing one of my Mr Harry or Aquascutum overcoats? Obviously, he would instantly realize that his spear accessory was a major fashion faux pas in combination. He would therefore seek something that complemented his new clothing better, such a Purdey shotgun. This would lead to the development of a proper armaments industry, together with all the other required ancillary industries, such as metal smelting and engraving. And similarly, he would then realize that wearing the shrunken heads of his enemies about his neck simply would not do, particularly when they clashed with the Thomas Pink shirt that I’d donated. Far better to take the head, render it down, and use the skull as a tasteful table-top electric lamp. This in turn would encourage the development of hydro electric generation with the all the benefits that this would bring. And finally, what or running over rough terrain? Not if he were wearing the Barker brogues that I’d given him, lest they get scuffed. So this would encourage road building and the development of proper communications between settlements, thus unifying the country as a whole.

I confidently predict that, within just 12 months of my donations, the whole world will have joined the 21st century.