Bottle Bank

Today I took the aftermath of my Christmas and New Year alcohol consumption to the bottle “bank”. And why the inverted commas? Because it’s not any sort of bank at all, is it? The analogy is entirely flawed.

First off, the metal bottle receptacles were all full, consequently lots of bottles had started piling up outside. What would happen if, to use a few obvious examples, Lloyds TSB, Barclays, and The Royal Bank of Scotland, had become so full of money over the Christmas period that they couldn’t fit any more in? After having abandoned efforts to squeeze payments through the letterbox and air-conditioning grilles, would bank customers then simply give up their deposit attempts and, instead, discard piles of cash in the doorways, in the expectation that some kindly bank employee would pick it up at a later date? I think not. They’d be too worried about it getting nicked. (And while it’s entirely possible that some of my empty bottles piled up outside the overflowing bottle receptacles will get nicked, I’m not going to lose any sleep over it.)

Another thing: There is a definite stigma attached to depositing large amounts of bottles at one of these places. (Or, at least, there should be.) I just offloaded a modest number, naturally. My disgusting nextdoor neighbour, however, needed three of four car relays to dispose of his Christmas and New Year profligacy. “You fucking alkie twat!” I screamed at him as he retreated down the road, conscious both of his shame and of the tip of my expensive shoe directed against his arse. But, conversely (and here’s where the bank analogy fails again), had he been depositing sack loads of cash at a proper bank, people would regard him with respect, believing him to be a successful businessman or thriving drug dealer. All except in Zimbabwe and Weimar Germany, of course, where bank managers usually despair as you attempt to pay yet another wheel-barrow load of the stuff into your high interest savings account, and cry in unison, “Of fuck! You’re not bringing us more of that sodding crap, are you?”

Then again, given the rate at which the Government is currently printing money in a feeble attempt to deal with the “credit crunch”, maybe this will happen in the UK before long, as well. Thus, with cash rendered worthless, bottles will be worth something and so bottle banks will be worth robbing, then the analogy won’t be entirely flawed. Perhaps people will even be able to get on the housing chain with the deposits from their empties.

My nextdoor neighbour certainly would be able to. The fucking PISS-HEAD. He'd be able to afford Windsor Castle.