Saturday, February 21, 2009

Wiggling My Ears

I have spent much of this morning wiggling my ears. Why? Because I can. Most people can't, and therefore don't have this opportunity. Because I do, it pleases me to exercise it every now and then. But, in the long run, is it wise to go public with the fact, I wonder?

I keep thinking, for example, of characters such as Bruce Banner, aka the Incredible Hulk, and Peter Parker, also known as Spiderman. Like me, they are possessed of powers beyond those of normal men. Banner can turn green at will, while Parker, of course, can stick to the ceiling.

You'll note, however, that, unlike me, neither has the confidence to blog about it. So you'll find no B_Banner ID on Blogger declaring, "This morning I went green again for about half an hour." Nor does P_Parker boast anywhere, "After breakfast I climbed up the wall and then attached myself to the coving." Indeed, they both go out of their way to keep their special powers secret, to the extent of inventing alter-egos for themselves and, in Parker's case, a red and blue Lycra costume, complete with mask.

When you think about it, though, rather than keeping it all quiet, it just tends to attract the wrong sort of attention. When Banner goes green, the army creates a super creature called The Abomination to pursue him, while Parker's dressing up provokes megalomaniacs with robot arms to come after him. And in both instances, entire cities tend to get mashed up while all this is going on.

Similarly, then, if I were to call myself, say, "Ear Wiggler Man" and don some yellow or purple all-body Spandex number, I, too, would probably goad some similarly disguised individual to go on the rampage. The thought of Bumbles Green being devastated by, for instance, a ten foot high madman who pisses pure, liquid plutonium through his extendable, robotic dick isn't a pleasant one.

So I'll just write about my powers here, instead.

The only real worry I have is that a meteorite could crash to earth from which a mad scientist might extract a Kryptonite-like substance which he could use against me to prevent me from wiggling my ears. So it's just as well that I now have a telescope. Henceforth, rather than observing my nextdoor neighbour's tits, I'll use it for watching out for just such a meteorite.

A man who can't wiggle his ears


Anonymous said...

But can you roll you tongue?Are you homozygous or (like me & my Dad) heterozygous for tongue rolling. An interesting gambit for Cate...

Anonymous said...

My husband can twitch his nose - like a rabbit. It is useful when children have tantrums!

Joe Slavko said...

I can twitch my nose like Samantha in "Bewitched." Nothing magical happens, though.

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