Thursday, February 12, 2009

My Broken Breakfast

My Rice Krispies are defective. According to the sales literature, whenever milk is added, they are supposed to go “Snap”, “Crackle”, and “Pop”, and then repeat the sequence for the duration of the breakfast.

For the first two days they performed faultlessly in this respect. However, on the third day they responded to the milk with a “Snap”, “Pop”, and a “Snap”, before falling completely silent. Thereafter, despite repeated attempts with different varieties of milk and sugar, I was unable to get them to perform to order.

Fortunately, at the time of purchase I had taken out a service contract with Kellog's. This follows an incident some years ago when I was caught out by a Rhubarb Surprise that turned out to be boringly predictable. Anyhow, I telephoned the Kellog's Service Department who quickly sent a Cereal Engineer round to see me.

To cut a long story short, even this so-called professional was unable to help. True, he did manage to coax a “Pop” and a “Squeak” from the cereal, but only by applying unhealthy full-fat Jersey milk. At the end of the afternoon, he had to admit failure. All he could do was replace my Rice Krispies with Ricicles. They are even worse.

Now when I pour milk on my cereal, it responds with Edith Piaf's Greatest Hits. My breakfast ne regrette rien, no doubt, but I have a lot to be sorry for. From now on it's bagels for me.


Anonymous said...

I mean,wotallvatabaht?Rice Krispies?Nonces eat 'em on remand. No wonder your weightlifting routine is shite.Have a proper eggs 'n' bacon brekkie.You need attitude.Approach the recalcitrant calcium dish with a hammer screaming "Fucking wants some?" or "Smash Bourgoise Revisionism" but I only try that with Cocopops.

Joe Slavko said...

Cocopops are inherently proletarian with associated ethnic/post-colonial angst issues. I piss them off by eating them in combination with non Fair Trade bananas.

Anonymous said...

See biscuits?Yer Garibaldi is the most revolutionary followed by the Che Guevara selection and Engels Chocolate digestive.

Joe Slavko said...

See that Garibaldi? He was an arse-kissing turncoat. So whenever I have Garibaldi biscuits, I don't just dunk them in tea, I fucking drown the things in it.

Anonymous said...

Funny old world.When he invaded Sicily the 1000 shouted "Garibaldi Italia" the twats thought his wife was called Talia...(Quote We have invented Italy,now we must invent Italians" Cavour.Savoyard cunt.