Tuesday, February 03, 2009


Despite the fact that the weather forecast got it wrong and, last night, there actually wasn't any fresh snowfall, this whole area is nevertheless still covered in a deep layer of the stuff. Using this as an excuse, the more diminutive of the locals are skiving off school and, instead of studying, are otherwise engaged building so-called snow "men". But how pathetic they are and how lacking in accomplishment. Disgustingly globular, devoid of intelligent facial expression, and bereft of genitals, they are merely icy Johny Vegas lookalikes. Whatever happened to true artistry?

When it snowed in Renaissance Florence, Michelangelo, for one, always did a lot better. According to a book I’ve just read, one of his first commissions was for a snow Hercules. I’ll bet it was anatomically perfect, too - he wouldn't have used a carrot for a nose or lumps of coal for the eyes. (Not unless he was trying to make some sort of Turner Prizesque artistic statement, anyway.) I’ve no doubt that he followed up with a snow Pietà and a snow Moses, which probably served as models for the subsequent marble versions. Likewise for his pièce de résistance, his snow David.

Michelangelo was on to a good earner here, actually. Noble families, such as the Medicis, the Lorenzos, and the Borgias would undoubtedly all drop by and offer to purchase, say, a snow Moses or a snow apostle. The crafty bugger was then able to sell the same one many times over. Come the Spring, he'd simply turn up at the buyer's palace with a bucket of water, claiming that this was all that was left of the sculpture after it had melted. And naturally, because it was Michelangelo's bucket of water, not just anyone’s, they'd all fall for the trick.

The only one who didn't, of course, was Pope Julius II, who insisted that his ceiling be painted in recompense. Having seen the Sistine Chapel, however, I'm not exactly sure who got the better deal.


Anonymous said...

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Joe Slavko said...

Piero della Francesca was a ponce. If he ever did anything remotely artistic with snow, it was just to write his name on it in piss.

I don't want the collected works of Enver Hoxha. I'd rather have Enver Hoxha. His head, anyway. I need some objet d'art for my work desk.

Anonymous said...

Shrunken skullsir?Suits you sir!