Friday, February 13, 2009

Bald Bastards

If the tyres of your car are found to be bald, you will be fined heavily, and deservedly so. Why, then, isn't similar treatment meted out to people whose heads are bald? After all, they pose similar hazards.

Think on it: A car with bald tyres can't easily keep its grip on the road, especially when there are icy conditions, like today. It will often skid and hit other cars or pedestrians. Similarly, it's usually with great difficulty that the bare dome of a bald bastard keeps its grip on the surrounding air. This is why, particularly when it's raining, you often see bald people swerving all over the pavement, bouncing off shop windows, and falling into the path of oncoming traffic. And, of course, it helps explain why their "stopping distance" is far greater than that of a follicly-respectable individual.

In my opinion, therefore, a special Police Baldness Detection Squad should be set up, its officers empowered to stop people at random and check their hair percentage. Those with noticeable bald patches should be ordered home until the hair grows back. If it doesn't, and they persist in offending, they should be clamped and told to pay a fine in excess of £500. Repeat offenders should have their feet welded to the floor so they can't go out at all.

It might be an idea, as well, to offer a re-treading service to bald people. Here, you'd carve grooves and notches into the top of their heads. This would effectively compensate for their shameful lack of hair by giving them at least some grip on the surrounding air. However, bald people who'd been re-treated at different companies would have to be discouraged from walking together, lest the mix of treads caused accidents. Or, if they insisted on walking in a group of four, the "radials" and the "cross-plies" amongst them should be ordered to walk at opposite corners to one another.


Anonymous said...

What if one were bald but had a hairy arse?Would this defray the cost of the fine?

Joe Slavko said...

No. People with hairy arses are evolutionary throwbacks, more akin to apes than humans. They should therefore be rounded up and put in zoos for the amusement of the general public.

Anonymous said...

Even members of the clergy?Communicants of the Anglican liturgy?