Friday, February 27, 2009

Pigeon Post

In my opinion, the idea of sending mail by carrier pigeon - the so-called "pigeon post" - is deeply flawed when it comes to the pricing structure.

At the moment, if you send a letter by pigeon, regardless of how much you pay, there is no guarantee as to when, exactly, it will arrive. It could be, for example, that the pigeon will feel a need to migrate as soon it takes off, or fuck another pigeon for a while, or just loll around in someone's bird bath.

This is an iniquitous situation. People would soon have something to say about the matter, I’m sure, if their postman delayed delivering his letters because, first, he wanted to have a two week holiday in Benidorm, or shag some woman in the next street, or spend half a day in a massage parlour. So why should pigeons be given this sort of latitude?

To expedite matters, pigeons ought to be graded according to speed. Obviously, the faster the pigeon, the more expensive the courier charges. I suppose that, for the money-no-object brigade, you could use a broadband digital pigeon whose holographic image would be transmitted down a fibre optic link and then exactly reconstituted at the other end, thus allowing the recipient to read the message attached to its leg in only seconds.

The only problem with a digital pigeon, of course, is distortion caused by line noise. It might start out as a pigeon at the sender's end, but because of said interference, come out as a duck or a chicken at the other side. And who the fuck has ever heard of the chicken post? The whole service could quickly become a laughing stock. (Or a chicken stock, even.)

4 comments:

K. McEgan. said...

Latitude?Or lassitude even.Duck post is quite common in northern Albania.

Joe Slavko said...

Why not southern Albania?

K. McEgan. said...

Different tribe. The Tosks,they hate the Ghegs (northern,Orthodox or catholic).Off for a nice weekend?Fine for some.Still maybe Baroness Helena Kennedy will want me to lap dance tomorrow.

montesqusmith said...

I can solve this complicated issue, provide evidence that GM crops can be used appropriately and address the effectivity problems of the post office at the same time.

Firstly, we should implant a statue of gordon brown in bradford. The pidgons - Im sure aware of the economic/social carnage he has caused (ultimately removing their future roosts due to lack of new build) will proceed to gather in herds and shit all over his lifelike image. This will enable us to catch thousands of them, store them in small cages and feed them on Gm food i.e mcdonalds.Once they grow to the size of a sinbad extra they can be harnessed and a postal worker saddled on their feather inclined back. Said posty can ensure that the pidgeon doesnt fuck off on a fornacating weekend steering the flying marvel to its appropriate destination.
The post office can thus save money and do away with their expensive vans and fuel guzzling lorries. Equally, due to the frequency of air accidents the liklihood of a postal worker claiming a pension is relatively minimum.