Wednesday, February 25, 2009


Whenever I'm in a supermarket, I usually pay for my groceries using a Switch card. This, however, always prompts the girl at the checkout to ask, "Do you want cash-back?" After cuffing her round the ear, I curtly inform her that, if I wanted cash, I'd have gone to a bank. In the same way that, if I wanted fish, I'd go to a fucking fishmonger, and not, say, an optician or a Building Society. In my opinion, the way in which supermarkets are now trying to muscle in on the financial area - offering, amongst other things, savings, pensions, and even ISAs - is quite unacceptable.

Time, I think, for the banks to retaliate. Henceforth, whenever you go into your branch to withdraw money, the teller should routinely ask, "Do you want some sausages with that?" And if the answer be yes, then you should be issued some, up to a limit of about 2lbs. Indeed, cashpoint machines could be adapted to output strings of sausages, too.

In order for this to work, bank customers would, of course, have to have some sort of pork credit at their local branch. This would be simple enough to set up. Whenever you opened an account, you'd be required to give them, not just a cheque or cash, but a pig as well. This would be then kept in a specially armoured vault, and either starved or fattened according to your credit rating. High Interest Savings Account customers would be given a pair of pigs and allowed to breed from them.

An unfortunate side-effect of all this would be a downgrading of the status of bank manager, though. Instead of being an aloof individual in a pin-stripe suit, he'd be a straw-sucking yokel with an IQ of 77, given to saying "Ooh, arrrr", and fucking his sister and daughter. But this is a small price to pay for financial diversity.

Another idea might be for banks to issue, not sausages, but herbs. In fact, shops could be encouraged to accept herbs in lieu of cash. Then, I suppose, thyme really would be money.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

More racism!Today I'm walking through Belfast and all the gentile Catholics have...ashes on their bonces.I attempt to get even by chanting the "Shema" loudly or screaming "What about Schindlers fucking list?" but it isnt working too well.Off to the gym in a few minutes,Maybe Bronagh will be there...sigh...goddamn Shiksa!