Sunday, February 08, 2009

Hot Cakes

You often hear the expression “They sold like hot cakes.” The clear implication of this, of course, is that hot cakes are somehow superior to cold cakes and therefore more in demand by all right-thinking people. But is this indeed true?

Yesterday, at 3.00 pm, the Vicarage was having one of its regular “Come and have tea and cakes with the Vicar and find God for only £2.50” afternoons, so I decided to go along and put it to the test. Accordingly, I baked some cakes of my own and took them there in a foil container, fresh from the oven, to see how they’d compare to the brumal competition.

You know what? Despite the fact that, aesthetically, nutritionally, and even tastewise, my hot cakes were clearly the best of the bunch, the cold cakes put out by Cate, the Vicar, outsold my hot ones by at least 10 to one. This is an iniquitous situation. And when I demanded to know of those present why they chose her cakes over mine, the majority replied that it was precisely because mine were hot - too hot, many claimed – that they went for the cold ones.

Well fuck you, parishioners of Bumbles Green. And fuck you, too, Cate. Maybe I won’t shag you, after all.

Afterwards, I tried to analyze what had gone wrong. Eventually, a search of the Internet turned up Robert Hendrickson’s "Encyclopaedia of Word and Phrase Origins", published in 1997. “Hot cakes cooked in bear grease were popular from earliest times in America,” he says. “First made of cornmeal, the griddle cakes or pancakes were of course best when served piping hot and were often sold at church benefits, fairs, and other functions. So popular were they that by the beginning of the 19th century 'to sell like hot cakes' was a familiar expression for anything that sold very quickly effortlessly, and in quantity."

Clearly, that’s where I erred. Next time, therefore, I’ll find a greasy bear (one marinaded in olive oil or coated in lard, presumably), fry him, toss the cakes into the mix, and then take the ensemble over to the vicarage. I shouldn’t imagine the bear is going to enjoy this much, and, as a consequence, might even maul people or eat them as they try to reach for the cakes. But at least this should prove a true test of faith for the parishioners: If God is with them, they’ll survive the experience. It’s a better test than, say, Communion, anyway, where there’s no risk whatsoever of being eaten by a bear (except, perhaps, in Alaskan churches where they can sneak up behind you while you’ve got your eyes closed in prayer).


Anonymous said...

Do you think the icing topping of "Jesus gives me a hard on" may have had summat to do with the disparity in sales?Also,Joe,hot cakes.Don't put chilli power in 'em.Cate looks cuter than I thought.You got her jacket off?This is the shiksa equivalent of screaming "YES,YES!"Any tips for travel to Al Masr?

Joe Slavko said...

They didn't have "Jesus gives me a hard-on" icing toppings. I actually created little Jesuses in icing, each one sporting an erect penis. Unfortunately, the heat from the cakes melted the icicing, so the penises all went limp. Maybe this is what pissed off the parishioners.

Come the summer, I hope to see Cate in the vicarage garden wearing her ecclesiastical bikini. Or maybe she'll go topless and just have a CofE thong.

Tips for travel to Egypt. One: Don't. It's a bit of a shithole.

Anonymous said...

Colette said so but unfortunately they've cornered the market in pyramids.Egyptian ones.Is that her garden?Oh wonder she had her jacket off.Isnt it against Deuteronomy to photograph a handmaiden of THE LORD?

Joe Slavko said...

That's the vicarage garden. Deuteronomy says "no graven image", but I'm not sure that a digital image counts as such. But Deuteronomy also says that, if you wear clothes made from multiple fabrics (ie a wool/cotton mix) you should be put to death. I'll go and visit Cate while wearing my cotton and polyester shirt and see what she does about it.

Anonymous said...

Yea she will rip if you thee even as thou were a Moabite.Get her to read Ezekiel 23.