Saturday, February 14, 2009

Licensed to Drool

This morning I had another of my regular appointments with Alessandro, my hair artiste. As well as having my hair cut and styled, I enjoyed a facial massage, collagen treatment, and electronic muscle toning. Needless to say, I emerged looking as gorgeous as ever, and elicited many an admiring glance from passing women.

It occurred to me, though: my body is honed to perfection thanks to daily exercise on my Nordic Track machine and the use of weights at the gym. My well-balanced diet, together with Vitamin C, A, and E supplements, and additional nutrients, means that I radiate glowing health and masculinity. And I am, courtesy of Nature itself, AMAZINGLY HANDSOME.

But all of this perfection and maintenance thereof costs, both in time and money.

Yet women are allowed to enjoy looking at me for free. This is an iniquitous situation. It’s akin, surely, to Remrandt or Leonardo da Vinci spending years producing a masterpiece and then just giving it away. I feel some recompense is in order. In my opinion, therefore, all women in the UK should have to pay a Slavko Licence, costing around £140 per annum. This would allow them to look at me legally. Of course, some women (mostly lesbians, naturally) would claim that they had no intention of looking at me and therefore shouldn’t have to pay for a Slavko Licence at all. But this is a spurious argument, akin to refusing to pay for a television licence on the grounds that you only watch ITV and Channel 4.

Detector vans should roam the land, seeking out Slavko Licence evaders. Any woman catch looking at me without a licence should be subject to a £1,000 fine and/or six months imprisonment.

With the revenue from the licences and the fines, I will be able to subsidise my exercise sessions, my vitamin supplements, and my healthy lifestyle. In this way I will carry on looking good forever, thus benefiting all women.


Anonymous said...

Wrong again!This insistence on Alessandro.It must cost a packet.The correct thing to do is enter a "Barbers" and point at your head (they won't speak much English) and shout "Number THree all round".On only needs to do this every quarter so as to stop looking like A.a member of the RAF or B.a homosexualist.I find the Slavko tax upsetting.I prefer to gaze on Rembrandt van Rijns "The Nightwatch of Capt Henning de Cocq" whilst giggling "Cock".

Joe Slavko said...

The best, of course, costs. And, as L'Oreal would say, I'm worth it. The best hairdressers do not use electric clippers. Only an expertly wielded scissor cut for me, thank you very much.

Perhaps you'd have more success with women were you to emulate my example.

Anonymous said...

I much prefer the "Released from Purdysburn Secure Unit" look.As for women I am to assess The Helena Situation.