Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Osculation

You know what really fucks me off? When I go to catch a train, but my progress is impeded by all those inconsiderate arseholes who always stand on the platforms, giving each other kisses, and in so doing, generally obstruct me, and other right-thinking people, when we want to get into the carriage. Sometimes they even hold up the departure of the train itself while they exchange long, lingering "Frenchies" through the window.

Fortunately, however, I see that measures are now being taken to overcome the problem. It was reported in yesterday’s Telegraph that the authorities at Warrington Bank Quay Station, in Cheshire, have now effectively implemented a “no kissing” policy. The fact that people who live in Warrington are generally so fucking ugly that no-one in their right mind would actually want to kiss any of them in the first place (except maybe to win a bet) is neither here nor there. At least it’s a step in the right direction. I, however, can see some money-making opportunities here, too.

Suppose you really are put out that you can no longer have one of those Trevor Howard/Celia Johnson moments at the station? So why don’t Virgin Trains, who run this particular line, offer to remedy your dilemma? They could employ professional Osculators whose job it would be to administer smooches to your nearest and dearest on your behalf. However, they'd only do this once the train had left the station and everyone was seated, thus ensuring no other passengers would be delayed by the ardour.

The whole thing could be self-financing and organised through the train company's seat allocation computer. You'd simply inform the machine where your loved one was sitting and the degree of intimacy required, and pay accordingly. Then, come departure, the Virgin Osculator would walk up and down the train and seek out those passengers requiring the service. For, say, 50p, a quick peck on the cheek could be administered. £1 = one on the lips. £5 = tongue insertion. £7.50 = tongue plus massage of breast (left or right, as preferred). £10 = tongue plus sucking of nipple. £15 = blow-job. £20 = simulated intercourse. £50 = "all the way", with optional cigarette at the end. (I'd imagine that the Virgin Osculator would need to be some sort of bi-guy in order to be able to cater to both men and women.)

In fact, here's an idea: For a special fee, you should be able to arrange for the Osculator to accompany your loved one off the train, get into a relationship, marry him or her, raise children together, and generally live "till death us do part" on your behalf while you went away and did something more interesting and fulfilling with your life.

1 comment:

K. McEgan. said...

This reminds me of the time I had coitus interruptus on a Greyhound bus from Mayland to North Carolina.