Wednesday, February 04, 2009

A Fun Day Out

Unless you live in Mexico, you rarely ever hear people say, “Hey guys, the weather's great! Let's all go down to the cemetery for the day!” Maybe undertakers and their families do, but their interest is more likely to be professional than purely recreational. In general, burial grounds tend to fall some way behind seaside resorts, cinemas, and pleasure parks in the list of places to visit for a fun time out.

One of the main reasons is that most graveyards are so fucking boring. The gravestones are largely to blame here. For example, a man lives three score years and ten, has innumerable love affairs and marriages, performs thousands of heroic exploits or misdeeds, yet what does the inscriptions say? Merely: “Jim Smith. 1910 - 1980. Now With the Angels.” Some aren't even that informative. Indeed, a few effectively say to the reader, “You want to know about this guy? Find out yourself, you mini-dick wanker, I'm not helping you.” The notorious Si monumentum requiris, circumspice in St Paul's Cathedral is a notorious case in point. I'll bet it gets pissed on regularly because of this.

The thing is, with today's technology, gravestones have the facility to be far more informative. They could display the whole story of the deceased's life on a colourful LCD display, together with stereo sound. Thus people would be able to go along, sit in front of the selected grave, and be view a highly entertaining show. They could even eat popcorn and ice cream as they did so. And with so many tombs to choose from, an average graveyard could keep you entertained for years, until you, yourself, featured as part of the programme.

Thinking about it, graves could also be used to generate extra revenue for the churchyard, too, carrying Pearl & Dean style ads. These would range from standard coffee and condom advertisements (though not in Catholic graveyards, obviously) right through to “Coming Shortly: Edna Smith, wife of Charles Smith”. Or “Next week, for four days only, Lazarus!!!”

If my idea were to be implemented, millions of pounds could be raised.


Ron Broxted said...

This raises many questions.Firstly,why not shove a zuccini down yer pants if you are being photographed SMILING! at a grave.Did I grin like a Cheshire cat at Verdun?Did I fuck!Next,lives.My maternal grandpaw,J.B 1890-1980.Did fuck all but farm for 90 years.Paternal grandpaw,J.G 1890-1950.War Hero,banger of pussy,bank robber extraordinaire (I'm only up to 1922!)Geddit?Oh and the late Edna Smith,"coming soon".How does her dead hubby manage that,huh?Fucking ectoplasm dildo?

Joe Slavko said...

Who would notice the zuccini when my MASSIVE PENIS is already in there?

Anonymous said...

OK I believe the 32 waist.I'd like the jacket.Do they have it in anything over 44?You know Mens size.Must be a bind having to shop at Mothercare.

Joe Slavko said...

That is a 44 inch chest. I know mine is just 43 inches, but my extra-wide shoulders necessitate the larger size. People who buy jackets with chests in excess of 44 inches should be legally mandated to undergo liposuction.