Friday, April 10, 2009

Screw Jesus

Good Friday again, no less, and, to celebrate the occasion, I’ve been re-reading Christ’s Passions, Our Passions, by Margaret Bullit-Jonas, while preparing my world-beating muesli breakfast. It’s thought-provoking stuff. The book isn’t bad, either.

In my opinion, however – and this is where I take issue with many theologians, including Bullit-Jonas herself - Jesus shouldn’t have been nailed to the cross; He should have been screwed to it. Then it would have been a lot easier to get Him off afterwards. But because they used nails, the Roman soldiers most likely had to employ some sort of claw hammer to prise those nails out, no doubt with some difficulty. All of this risked damaging the wood, possibly so seriously that the cross couldn’t be used again.


If, on the other hand, Pilate had authorised the use of a Philips screwdriver and just three heavy-duty screws, Jesus could have been secured quickly and easily, with minimum risk of His coming loose and dropping off mid-way through the crucifixion. And, of course, at the end, it would have been possible to remove Him in seconds, and re-use both the cross and the screws.

Similarly, if the soldiers had made a balls-up and accidentally put Jesus on upside down, they could have simply unscrewed Him, turned Him the right way up, and re-secured Him. Likewise, if, having screwed Him on, they’d stepped back and seen that He wasn’t quite level, it would then have been a simple matter of unscrewing one arm, inching it up slightly, and then re-screwing it. Whereas, if they'd nailed Him up and He wasn’t level, there wasn’t a Hell of a lot they could do about it. Except live with the fact, I suppose, and hope that the spectators and Gospel writers didn’t laugh too much

Anyway, the Romans obviously weren’t very economy minded when it came to basic woodwork, which goes some way towards explaining the ultimate decline and fall of their empire.

3 comments:

K. MacEgan said...

The Sahara used to be a veritable forest before the Romans got there. Always with the cruxifying. Why not think "each cruxified person is one less customer". You know who made the nails? Gypsies. No decent nailsmith would do it.

montesqusmith said...

Using less metal, and easier still, why not use a staple gun and make it a family day out?

By amending the balistos, the romans could quite easily have created the pre-cursor to b and q's inexpinsively priced staple gun. Not simply allowing the empire to grow by patenting this handy device, additionally, the romans could make an entire social occasion out of cusifiction thereby quelling potential future uprisings by creating a happy and passive occupied nation.

Firstly, the 'attendees' friends and family are invited around to say their farewells and have a bit of an informal 'knees up'.

Next, after a bit of liquid refreshment the centre of attention stands in front of the cross.

Each participants pays 5 sea shells and proceeds to form a drunken, yet orderley and suprisingly happy que to have a crack at adhereing the recipient to bit of 6 be 3 at range.

Not only does it inject the fun element into the occasion, dispelling the occasional negative connertations- but the revenue derived pays for the wood used thrice fold.

Everyones a winner, thats for sure!

Joe Slavko said...

A good family day out it may well be. At the end of it, however, there's still clearing up to do.

The thing is, when you're clearing up the aftermath of a crucifixion, the wooden crosses have to go into the recycling bag, and the men on them into a separate container for disposal (which may or may not result in resurrection - but that's not down to the refuse men). The problem with using any sort of staple gun is that it then becomes almost impossible to detach the men from the crosses. As such, the binmen will most probably refuse to remove them. Then what do you do?

Unless you take your "litter" home with you, the council will no doubt fine you. And if you do take your litter home, it would well resurrect and ascend on the third day, totally fucking your ceiling and roof.