Saturday, April 11, 2009


As we all know, just under 2,000 years ago, Jesus, Our Saviour, transformed mere bread such that it actually became His own body.

This miraculous process, which is now repeated in churches throughout the world, is known as the Transubstantiation. How fortunate we are, though, that it doesn't work in reverse. If it did, and the Messiah were able to change His body into bread, He might be mistaken for the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Or worse, the Pillsbury Dough Boy might be mistaken for Jesus.

Some would say, of course, that such a development would be a marketing triumph for Pillsbury. The company could claim that all their dough products had divine sanction, thus boosting sales. But it's likely that if they did, rivals such as Rank-Hovis-McDougall and Homepride would convene a bakery equivalent of the Council of Nicaea. There, they would declare that in fact their bakery products, and theirs alone, were the Way, the Truth, and the Life. As a result, supermarkets would be riven by schism. Bloody religious wars would flare up, with Morrisons set against Sainsburys, Netto against Kwik Save, and Somerfield against Aldi. The loss of life would be horrendous.

Basically, then, we should be grateful that Transubstantiation is actually irreversible, like poaching an egg. On the other hand, if Jesus had transformed himself into dough, He'd have been virtually impossible to crucify. It would have been like trying to nail a blancmange to the ceiling.

Then again, when you think about it, the whole concept of Transubstantiation is a bit fucking far-fetched, isn’t it? It’s certainly nothing that you’d want to spring on your dinner party guests, unexpectedly. If you’re having one of these formal functions and, à propos of nothing at all, your host suddenly hands you a bread roll or its equivalent and says, “Take this all of you and eat it, for this is my body”, you’re going to be a bit sceptical, to say the least.

Actually, I’ll bet that the disciples must have thought, as one, “What a twat! He's claiming affinity with a piece of bread!” In the main, though, they just shuffled their feet and tried to humour Jesus, as you do on these occasions. Only Judas had the courage to say, “What the fuck? You're a stupid cunt, mate. I'm going to tell the authorities.” And indeed, off he went, returning a few hours later with a delegation from the local Sanhedrin.

I'm sure we’re all aware of how the tale subsequently unfolded. Neither the religious authorities nor the representatives of the Occupying Power were very pleased to have in their midst someone who identified so closely with a loaf. And is it surprising? It could, of course, have given risen to a series of copycat incidents wherein people claimed to be dates, castor oil plants, or various kinds of exotic fruit (“Leave your homes and families and follow me, for I am a kumquat sent by the Lord to bring you Salvation.”). Therefore to nip this in the bud, Jesus was executed. Various embellishments were then added to the story, but that's basically it.


Anonymous said...

Exactly.If I was a little pissed up and trying to gain kudos infront of my disciples, I sure as shit wouldnt transform into a rancid bit of unsliced Cobb.

Moreover, how do we know if the second coming hasn't already been and gone completely un-noticed? Recognising the arse he made of impressing folk by claiming a couple of slices of un-buttered represented his body - he may have changed tact. To avoid the unpleasent finale to his last appearance, he may have decided to change into a chocolate croissante and then, suddenly, transform back into his holy presence slap bang in the middle of the bread isle of Sainsbury's on a saturday morning.Unfortunately, unaware of the stringent health and safety regs relating to best before dates, and times on shelves, he may have been escorted off the premises and buried in a land-fill before he can pull off his paul daniels impression.

As it happens, I myself have transubstantiated only a few years ago, changing myself into a gigantic Mr Stay Puft Marshmellow. Earnt a tidy sum for my ghostbusters cameo actually.

Anonymous said...

It is only done in R.C churches.Heathen Protestants do not believe in transubstatiation and will o to Hell.My Granny said so.The maternal,bigoted part Scots one,not the paternal miserly mostly Irish one.Secondly J.C said he was a door and a vine.I guess he was speaking metaphorically,Joe. I could be wrong.I was wrong once,1975.