Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Lingual

Why, I wonder, is the penis the only major human organ that expands and lengthens to any noticeable degree when we get excited? Surely, for example, when we're stimulated by the smells of cooking, our tongues ought to similarly lengthen and expand. Then we could flick them out and grab the food, lizard-like, from a distance.

Then again, I suppose, such an ability might have its downside, too. Lingual impotence is one condition that could arise. If, say, you were overly worried about how the food was going to taste, or whether you were going to be able to chew it properly, you might not be able get your tongue to expand at all. Then, I suppose the only satisfaction you'd be able to get would be by just thinking about food, while simultaneously rubbing your tongue along the roof of your mouth.

Maybe people - young people, especially - who dreamed a lot about food would wake up in the middle of the night with their tongues stuck to the ceiling. And, no doubt, first-time eaters, and those who'd been without food for a long time, though they would be able to get their tongues to expand, wouldn't be able to maintain that expansion for more than a couple of seconds. Thus they'd only be able to eat one tiny morsel.

I suppose, given such a scenario, the world would divide into two groups. Predominant amongst them would be good, morally upright carnelinguals - those who ate meat. But there'd also be an alternative lifestyle sub-group called vegelinguals. They'd no doubt frequent salad bars in Old Compton Street, dress in distinctive leather outfits, and attempt to promote their perversion as being in some way "natural." And wives of apparent carnelinguals might discover that their husbands were actually bilingual and therefore swung both ways.

How humiliating for the poor women.


5 comments:

K. MacEgan said...

Can you lick your eyebrows?Such a pity Primark sizes favour the shall we say runtier elements?Sub 46/48 inch chests.

Joe Slavko said...

But as we all know, it's the composition of those 48 inches that's important. If it were all muscle, like my 43 inches, all well and good. Unfortunately, however, your "man boobs" are anything but.

K. MacEgan said...

I am thinking of going up to 50 for the chest.But then I'd need to put an extra bit on the arms as well.If your 43 (supposed) inches were indeed all muscle you'd be able to lift more than a bag of sugar.Joe.Those small pink dumbells at the gym are for girls.What weights do they go up to at your gym?Usually a good arbiter of whether the gym is "girly" or not.

Joe Slavko said...

The largest single weight is 50Kg. Naturally, there are lots of them in my gym.

K. MacEgan said...

We only have one set of 50kgs but I've asked for 55s.