Wednesday, April 15, 2009


I like bags. I like the entire concept behind them. Take shopping bags, for example. If they didn't exist, you'd have carry all your shopping in your arms. Or try, anyway. Even a limited number of items (nine or fewer) would probably start falling out all over the place, and then you'd be chased by dogs as your string of sausages unravelled when you walked down the street. But, fortunately, a shopping bag stops this from happening. They are therefore to be commended.

Sleeping bags perform a similar function: When you zip yourself up inside one, it stops your limbs and extremities unravelling in the night. As a result, you wake up next morning in one piece, safe in the knowledge that your errant dick hasn't rolled away and been swallowed, whole, by a wild animal during the hours of darkness. So, given that bags do offer these sorts of levels of security, I have decided to go beyond the concept of the shopping bag. Beyond that, even, of the sleeping bag:

I have created an "awake bag."

An awake bag looks much like a sleeping bag, but, as its name suggests, is for use only during daylight hours. It doesn't zip up all the way to your neck, of course. Instead, it zips up to your chest. This allows you to function fully 9-5. To move forwards, backwards, or sideways, you simply grasp the outer edges of the bag and bounce, as in a sack race. And, if bits fall of you while you're doing so, they're contained securely within the bag, and so won't get lost.

I suppose if you work for the Foreign Office, you could multi-task with one of these things. You'd of course rename your awake bag a "diplomatic bag." In addition to allowing you to bounce through foreign embassies and consulates, you could also park on double yellow lines and shop-lift with impunity. Indeed, the awake/diplomatic bag could also act as a shopping bag. You'd be able to hop through the aisles of a supermarket, tucking items into the bag as you did so, and then hop on past the checkout without paying a penny, or even trying to. If Security attempted to stop you, you'd simply point to your bag and claim diplomatic immunity. This could be a great help during the present credit crunch.

You would have to make sure that your combined diplomatic/shopping bag wasn't one of those biodegradable types that supermarkets are currently pushing, though. This is because there's a risk that, mid-way through your telling a foreign policeman or autocratic head of government that he's a cunt, the bag might spontaneously perform to spec and degenerate into dust, thus stripping you of your immunity and leaving you open to subsequent arrest and imprisonment. Just like those diplomats in the American Embassy in Tehran back in 1979, I imagine.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I went to see about being the Lithuanian Honorary Consul.This was before millions of them flooded into the Fens working at petrol stations.I didnt leave a large enough "tip" to be appointed. Mali fared poorly too. Always wanted to be H.c for Timbucktu! As for calling foreign plod a cunt I did this in Russia. Their ability not to recognise the equivalent for "pizdyet" was fortunate.