Friday, April 03, 2009


You know what really pisses me off about bubble baths? I’ll tell you: That they're nothing of the kind, that’s what. In fact, they should actually be called, not bubble baths, but bubbles baths. Yes, plural. Because there’s always more than one of the fucking things, isn't there? Which can be a right pain in the arse, especially afterwards, when you have to rinse the bubbly dregs away down the plughole or individually pop each one with a pin.

When you think about it properly, a bubble bath should be exactly that. In other words, it should consist simply of one, large bubble, covering the whole of the bathtub. This would be far more efficient and manageable than the aforementioned multiple bubble option. At the end of the wash, you'd just pop the thing with your finger to get rid of it.

Of course, initially, you'd have to sit in the bath with the tap running and allow the bubble to gradually form around you. If you left it until the bubble reached full size before you entered the tub, you'd burst it, thus rendering the whole exercise a waste of time. (I suppose you could always attempt to circumvent the bubble by squeezing in through the overflow, although that would probably be more hassle than it was worth.)

Naturally, you'd have to take great pains not to fart while in the middle of such a bubble bath. If you did, and you let off a particularly big, stinky one, its lighter-than-air methane composition could well render the bubble equally so, making it airborne. Combine this with a sudden, light breeze and an open window, and you could find yourself drifting, naked, up into the sky, trapped within the bubble; an object of derision for the neighbours. And men with pathetically small cocks would probably be dive-bombed by birds, mistaking their minuscule members for worms. In doing so, the birds’ beaks would most likely pop the bubble, causing its occupant to plunge hundreds of feet to an ignominious death below. There'd be no hope of a respectful obituary in The Daily Telegraph any more. Instead, newspaper headlines would simply read "Naked Man with Small Cock in Sparrow Attack Death Plunge." Or similar.

All in all, it's probably far safer just to take a shower.


Anonymous said...

Firstly your fondness of this type of decadence points to the depraved nature of a practicing homosexualist.Secondly,what about that Bubble in "The Prisoner"?Big evil fucker chasing poor Mr McGoohan.What the fuck was that all about?

Joe Slavko said...

Yet you are the one, not me, who goes on Gay Pride marches.

As for "The Prisoner", maybe we'll gain greater insight into what that bubble thing is in the forthcoming remake.

Anonymous said...

The Bubble thing is what the British are going to bring in to patrol the border now it has been decided that carrying passports to nip down the shops if unfeasable.As for Gay Pride-1.I attended as it was thought that less than enlightened elements would get stuck in.2.I was invited,ducky!Mwah.