Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Fly on the Wall

You often hear people say, “I’d love to be a fly on the wall.” This usually means that they’d like to surreptitiously witness some stimulating event or other without letting the people involved actually know that they’re being observed. A good-looking couple shagging, for example, would be a case in point. Or me undressing, displaying my Daniel Craig-lookalike physique.

Whatever, the expression has now given rise to the so-called “fly on the wall documentary”, wherein the subjects go about their everyday business, apparently oblivious of the cameras. In other words, the cameraman and production team are effectively unnoticed, their presence, to all intents and purposes, like that of a fly on the wall.

When you think the expression through, however, you realize how ridiculous it really is. As you can clearly observe from this photograph, if you were a fly on the wall, all you would actually see would be the wall, and nothing else. The fly would have to turn round in order to get a view of what’s behind him, and if he did, he’d fall off, as it’s only his feet that are sticky, not his back or wings.

A better expression, therefore, would be “an owl on the wall.” This is because an owl (assuming he could find some sort of perch, such as a picture frame or a light fitting) can turn his head round 360 degrees to see what’s going on behind him.

On the other hand, I suppose you might notice if, mid coitus, there were an owl on your wall, especially if he hooted (unless the sex session was especially noisy). And if you did notice him, I suppose he'd be easier to swat with a rolled up newspaper. That's the plus side.

On the distaff side, if owls managed to avoid being swatted and went on to displace flies on our walls, spiders would have to get a bit more proactive in terms of catching their prey, as I don’t imagine a conventional spider’s web would last long if an owl got caught in it. So they’d evolve to be giant hunter-killers, like that one in the film “Tarantula” with Leo G. Carroll. Which, in turn, would force governments to use the nuclear option to deal with the problem.

This could put people off sex completely. Who’d want to risk a Pershing Cruise Missile coming through their window at the moment of climax?


Anonymous said...

Very homophobic, Joe. A Persing "Cruise" missile? Do you see them down the Admiral Duncan? If ya swatted an Owl with a paper it would probably claw your face off.

Joe Slavko said...

My experience with the Admiral Duncan is restricted merely to passing by its door as I progress on towards The Algerian Coffee Stores. Next time I do so, however, I'll mention to them that you send your regards.

Anonymous said...

Don't do that Joe as the mere fact that you kno me would make you a Gay Icon Manque. Leather Queens would throw themselves at you in a frenzy that you had made my acquaintance.