Plate Tectonics

As everyone is no doubt aware, earthquakes are caused by drifting tectonic plates slowly pressing up against one another. Eventually, the pressure becomes so great that one of the plates slips and judders violently. The result is a shaking of the earth immediately above, with associated property damage, casualties, and an influx of Christian Aid workers.

This need not be the case, however.

In my opinion, all major fault lines in the world should have giant Vaseline factories erected above them. By pumping vast quantities of Vaseline between the tectonic plates, you could minimise any friction. Therefore instead of violently shaking, the plates would move smoothly, like greased axles.

Of course, this would speed up the migration of land masses, too. Normally, it takes several millions of years for continents to detach themselves from one another and cross oceans. But a Vaseline coated one could probably do the same trip in a couple of hours. So, for example, residents of San Francisco might wake up as citizens of the United States, but find themselves part of Bangladesh come dinner time. And a fortnight later, they could end up in the Arctic.

Fortunately, all this would help bolster international relations and promote world peace. What head of state would ever again advocate turning a faraway country into a radioactive desert or infecting its population with a plague if there's a distinct possibility that, in a week's time, it's going be the neighbouring postal district? On the other hand, it could fuck up the airline industry totally. Who’s going to pay £4,000 for a First Class return trip to, say, Australia, when all you need do is stand on the beach for a while and wait until Australia to come to you?

Delays will, of course, be inevitable due to the contrary nature of plate tectonics. You might, for instance, spend three quarter’s of an hour waiting for a continent to arrive, and then three of them will turn up at once.