Car Wash

I notice that people who drive cars often make use of a garage facility called an “automatic car wash”. (Obviously, they're too poor to afford to personally employ someone to carry out this function for them. But that's by the bye.) Here, cars line up and drive, one at a time, through a set of mechanical scrubbing brushes. Finally, the equivalent of a giant Pifco hairdryer comes down and attempts, as best it can, to eliminate the moisture.

Why have I highlighted the phrase “one at a time”? Because I think it's extremely wasteful, both of time and resources, that these machines can only process a single car while all the others have to wait in line. It's the equivalent of going to a launderette with a full laundry basket, feeding in your coins, and then only washing one sock, before repeating the process for each subsequent sock, shirt, pair of underpants, and so on.

In my opinion, an automatic car wash should be designed more like an automatic washer-dryer. Here, the cars would drive into a massive drum, 20 at a time, and then the door would be closed behind them. Thereupon a garage employee would pour in the appropriate amount of powder and water softener and start up the machine. Of course, he would have to great care to ensure no white cars drove in with the rest. These would have to be washed separately, lest the colours ran.

Anyhow, once fired up, the machine would go through its various wash and spin cycles and get the vehicles really clean. Indeed, during the rinse cycle, there should be a facility for adding conditioner. This would give the cars extra body and guard against them sticking together or coming out with funny smells. Finally, a decent spin-dry, followed by a hot air tumble-dry, would eliminate any lingering dampness. Naturally, in order to survive this process, the drivers would have to be specially trained beforehand on one of those NASA centrifuges.

So much for cheap cars. The more expensive cars, like Morgans, Aston Martins, and Ferrari Testarossas would have to be professionally dry-cleaned, in case of shrinkage. In fact, I believe that many so-called Dinky Toys are actually the result of their owners misreading the care labels that are usually affixed to the interior of the bonnets. It must be real bummer when that happens, as I doubt the insurance will cover the damage.