Friday, November 21, 2008

Minotaur Menace

One of my near neighbours, a tall, willowy brunette woman farmer, has two main claims to fame. The first is her herd of Fresian cattle, which have won several national and international gold medals. Her second claim to fame is the fact that she's a lesbian. As far as I'm aware, she hasn't won any gold medals for this (yet) but, for a lesbian, she has done something pretty amazing, all the same: She has become pregnant.

Naturally enough, there is some speculation as to exactly how conception could have occurred. The fact that she isn't a virgin (she became a lesbian only comparatively recently, maybe as some sort of career move, having previously had a string of men friends) means that the Holy Spirit probably can't be blamed on this occasion. Neither have any of her exes been observed popping in for a quick shag. Which only leaves artificial insemination. This worries me. Why?

Because, being a prize-winning cattle breeder, she's accustomed to keeping a fridge full of bull semen, ready and waiting for those moments when she gets an urge to suddenly pop down to the cattle sheds and make one of her cows pregnant. Suppose, though, that she kept the syringe for self-insemination in the same fridge as that for the cows? Isn't there a danger that, mistakenly, she might have given herself the wrong one? If so, and the pregnancy goes to term, the result may well be a minotaur - a creature with the body of a man but the head and tail of a bull.

The problem with a minotaur - even one with an award-winning pedigree - is that you've got to keep it in a specially built labyrinth and feed seven men and seven women to it on an annual basis. If you don't, there's a risk that it will don one of its aforementioned gold medals, put on a Barry White album, and start hanging around cattle sheds, making suggestive, lewd remarks to cows. And if it doesn't get anywhere doing this, it will go on to your lawn, chew your grass, and deposits vast quantities of minotaur shit over the whole area.

Or there's a worse possibility. Instead of having the body of a man and the head and tail of a bull, it could have the body of a woman and the head and tail of a cow. Then especially if it has particularly big, globular tits people might try to milk it. In my experience, if you go up to a woman with a bucket and start squeezing her tits over it for no apparent reason, she gets rather stroppy. A female minotaur would no doubt get even stroppier and gore you for your trouble.

But there's an even worse possibility. Suppose the cows were mistakenly injected with human semen? The result would be a creature with the body of a bull or cow, no tail worth speaking of, but the head, brain, and vocal chords of a human. It would probably make hyper-critical remarks about the quality of your grass as it grazed in your field, comparing it unfavourably to the grass in the rival farmer's field, saying his is greener. And whenever you milked it, it would complain about your technique, saying that you milked too quickly or that your milking stool was very small and unimpressive compared to other farmers' milking stools. Even if you countered by saying it's not how big your milking stool is, it's what you do with it that really matters, people would still laugh at you. You'd be totally humiliated, either way.

I imagine all this explains why, whenever anyone has a minotaur, he usually gets a Greek in to come and kill it. I shall advise my neighbour to do likewise.

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