Tuesday, November 11, 2008


Before he's allowed to go "all the way" and have his dick turned inside out and converted into a vagina, every would-be transsexual has first to live as a woman for about two years in order to prove to doctors that he's not simply taking the piss. In practice, this means going around publicly in women's clothes and makeup and calling himself Yvonne instead of Frank.

Sadly, however, in most cases the pre-op version looks about as convincing as one of those toasted cheese sandwiches they sell on e-Bay that's supposed to be the spitting image of the Virgin Mary (and post-op usually isn't much better, either, but that's by the bye). This transitional phase must therefore be quite humiliating for all concerned.

Fortunately I have a solution. In my opinion, the would-be transsexual should first convert to Islam and call himself Fareed or similar. Then, like most Western converts do these days, he should dress like a Slough minicab driver, complete with jalabiyah, head-doily, and worry-beads. Whatever it takes to "walk the talk", as it were. Only then should he broach the subject of his gender confusion with the doctor. But here's where the benefits of the conversion kick in: He can now live his pre-op two years as a Muslim woman, call himself Fareedah, and so dress in an all-enveloping burqah and anqibah. Consequently, no-one will ever know what a total wanker he looks like. And if, even after the surgery, like many post-op transsexuals, he still resembles an all-in wrestler in drag, he can continue to wear the face-covering anqibah, thus preserving his secret.

I suppose one drawback here is that if too many converts undergo implausible-looking sex changes and wear anqibat as a result, many Muslims are going to start thinking twice about Muhammad's injunction to spread the faith to the unbelievers, lest they inadvertently end up marrying some proselytized "cock in a frock." For much the same reason, they may even start to debate the wisdom of their women covering up in the first place. Indeed, it might only be a matter of time (and a few too many misplaced gropings resulting in a dick and two balls rather than what they expected) before they start insisting that their women reveal all, just to be on the safe side.

To this end, some Imam will probably find a Qur'anic verse which he'll interpret as meaning that, henceforth, all Muslim women should go around publicly in a basque and fishnet stockings, flaunting as much flesh as possible (Which isn't impossible, given that all religious texts are rather like Mongolian restaurants, in that you can usually pretty much create what you want from any combination of what's on offer).

Which will be a great shame. Despite what Jack Straw may think, a great many Muslim females actually are doing us a favour by remaining veiled. And not a few Muslim men would benefit from it, too.

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