Sunday, November 16, 2008

On Toast

I have just enjoyed a breakfast of scrambled eggs on toast in a cafe just off Baker Street. Not my usual breakfast, by any means, but a bit of variety is welcome now and then. Indeed, at some time in the future I may become even more adventurous and have, for example, beans on toast or poached eggs toast or creamed mushrooms on toast.

Whatever, this has given me pause for thought. The "on toast" element has, anyway. What would my reaction be if, instead of being served scrambled eggs on toast, I were to receive toast on scrambled eggs? Or toast on beans? And so forth. In other words, could I live with myself if the make-up of the meal were to be effectively reversed?

It's a weighty matter, because the order in which things are constituted can often be of considerable significance. Think, for instance, of Stratford-on-Avon - a very pleasant, inoffensive little town. Yet when, during the floods of last year, it effectively became Avon-on-Stratford, everyone started bitching about the fact. There was a similar reaction back in 1953 when, after a tidal surge, Bexhill on Sea, to all intents and purposes, became Sea on Bexhill. Indeed, some people are still whining about it to this day.

Of course, some blame global warming. They say that the reason for the river/Stratford and sea/Bexhill role reversals is because of increasing levels of CO2 in the atmosphere. What's more, they claim, as industrial nations pump out yet more of the stuff, there'll be far worse to come.

An interesting theory, but is there any real science behind it? Going back to my breakfast, you'd have thought that, if a relatively large place like Stratford were susceptible to climate change, then a little plate of scrambled eggs on toast ought to be even more predisposed to suffer the ill-effects of rising CO2. Yet (and there were at least 20 diners in the cafe) not once did I see any of the breakfasts doing a sudden back-flip and becoming toast on beans or any such variation thereof. So-called "global warming" is therefore a load of crap pseudo-science. Or is it ....?

What if, instead of toast on beans being a symptom of global warming, it were actually a cause? But because no-one ever gets served toast on beans, our climate remains relatively benign. If someone does, though? If I now go back to the cafe and specifically order toast on scrambled eggs? You think I wouldn't dare? Well fuck you. If, in the next few hours, the polar ice caps melt and the world drowns, you'll know who to blame.

An image of Armageddon?

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