Sunday, November 16, 2008

An Unpleasant Visit to the Supermarket

Early this morning I popped down to Waitrose to get some tuna, new potatoes, green vegetables, wine, and other necessaries for tonight's culinary Act of Creation. Surprisingly for a Tuesday morning, the place was heaving. And it was made even worse by all those fucking pushchairs.

I can't abide it when women insist on pushing these things around in supermarkets. If they genuinely feel a need to wheel their brats around in public places, why don't they just mount them on roller skates, instead? Then there'd be less congestion. I can see where all this will eventually lead if we let them get away with it. In a few years' time when, Brave New World-style, scientists have invented artificial wombs for those who are too lazy to be pregnant for nine months, women will start mounting these on wheels, as well, and pushing them around supermarkets. What with the pushchairs, too, and pensioners on zimmer frames, there'll be total gridlock in the aisles.

In fact, I can see an even bleaker future: Women will start pushing empty artificial wombs around supermarkets in order to advertise their availability, their fecundity, and their desire to procreate. As a result, they'll be pursued by ardent men carrying buckets full of sticky cum. Inevitably, during some of the courtship rituals, some of it will get spilled, so shopping will become a very sticky, messy experience indeed.

I suppose the conventional means of pair-bonding will go out of the window. Instead, women will be attracted to the man who's got the best-looking bucket, irrespective of his intellect or his own looks. Which means that bucket manufacturers will effectively determine the destiny of humanity. And as bucket manufacturers tend to be Working Class Sun readers, they'll sell their best buckets only to fellow members of the Working Class. So within a generation, all humanity could become Working Class. What a sad finalé for our species. In order to avoid this nightmare scenario, I demand that pushchairs be banned from supermarkets.

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