Buoyancy

According to the experts, one drowns in sorrow, sinks in despair, and wallows in self-pity. This goes to show that self-pity, though obviously viscous in nature, like mud, is, however, demonstrably more buoyant than despair and sorrow.

As we know from the work of Archimedes, a floating object displaces its own weight in fluid. Therefore, the fact that things invariably sink in pools of sorrow and despair (you never see frogs or hippopotamuses floating on the top of them, for instance) means that the specific densities of both sorrow and despair are incredibly low. Consequently, should you fall in, you'll find it incredibly difficult to get out again. The very worst thing you can do in this instance is think to yourself, "Fuck! This is always happening to me! It's not fucking fair! Life has got a downer on me!" The self-pity will increase your density to such an extent that you'll quickly sink and stick to the bottom. A better method is to think, "Oh woe is me! I am lost to the world! Never again shall they see one of my ilk!" If you're lucky, the resulting sorrow will decrease your density such that it equalises with that of the surrounding sorrow, and you'll achieve neutral buoyancy. Consequently, you should then be able to paddle to the surface, albeit with a certain amount of effort. Of course, company chairmen, politicians, and such should avoid walking too close to deep stretches of sorrow and despair altogether. This is because they're already weighed down with responsibilities. Therefore, once in, they'd never get out