Tuesday, May 26, 2009


The National Health Service costs too much money. An alternative method for curing people must be found. I therefore propose that scientists extract DNA from the Turin Shroud and clone Jesus.

In this way, every postal district could have its own Jesus. So if you had a full-blown terminal disease (or, indeed, were just feeling a little under the weather), you'd simply pop round, say, "Lord, I am afflicted, lay your hands upon me," and, a blessing or too later, you'd be cured. Or, if you wanted to go on the piss, but didn't have enough money to buy booze, you could take a bottle of tap water round and have Him do the business on it.

The other big advantage of having lots of live Jesuses is that, every Easter, you could crucify them. It's a well-known fact that, by dying on the cross, Jesus effectively negated the sins of all Mankind. It therefore follows that if a few hundred thousand die simultaneously, every year, humanity would effectively be in credit vis-à-vis grace, and could therefore sin with impunity for all time.

One problem here, though, is that crucified Jesuses tend to rise from the dead after about three days. You couldn't allow this to happen, otherwise Heaven would get full of the things, forcing its existing inhabitants out on to the streets. Consequently, saints and archangels would start squatting in boxes outside Waterloo Station, drinking Tennent's Super, and trying to cadge money off you.

So to ensure the Jesuses didn't rise from the dead, it would be necessary to grind them up. Then you could serve them to the Faithful as the genuine body and blood of Our Lord, and not some tacky, flour-based substitute. I expect He'd make a good lasagne or ragu. You could even serve Him up in a bun at McDonald's. It would, however, be necessary to mix Him in with other meat, too. Otherwise, come Ascension Day, your semi-digested MacJesus would have a tendency to become airborne, taking you with it.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Are you mad?Extract degraded DNA from a manky bit o' cloth?As for your comment - yes - walking down the road I had Michael,Gabriel,Uriel and the other Archangel selling the Big Issue.