Doctors

In my opinion, the medical profession should be stripped of its mystique. Doctors ought to be accorded the same status as other manual workers, with similar obligations.

For example, if the ball-cock on my lavatory functions incorrectly, I expect simply to call up a plumber and have him turn up at a time to suit me. (Granted, I’ll pay a premium for this, but as long as efficiency is guaranteed, so what?) When he does turn up, I expect him to diagnose the problem at once and fix it within minutes. When he's finished the job to my satisfaction, I pay him. If he doesn't, I don't. It's as simple as that.

What I wouldn't tolerate is phoning a plumber only to be put through to a fucking moronic receptionist who tells me to bring my lavatory along to some out-of-the-way machine shop in three days time at some ungodly hour in the morning. Nor would I tolerate the plumber taking the top off the cistern, prodding the pipework with cold hands, umming and ahing, and then saying, "It looks as if there could be a blockage somewhere along the line - try some Viacal, and if it isn't unblocked in a week, make another appointment and bring your lavatory back again, and we'll see what we can do." Nor would I put up with a situation where, having followed the plumber's advice, I find the ball-cock has fallen to pieces nonetheless, only to have him tell me, "I'm sorry, we did all we could, but we just didn't catch it in time - here's the bill, by the way."

No. Doctors' pay should be performance related. By this, I mean that if they turn up at your home within 15 minutes of being called out, correctly diagnose your affliction, cure it within a reasonable time (30 minutes, maximum, should be enough to deal with all diseases and injuries - any more is just tardiness), then they'd get there money. But if not, or if the patient died, they wouldn't get a fucking penny.

Furthermore, doctors should be forced to wear blue overalls and flat caps, and eat lard sandwiches. This is because, if truth be told, they are FUCKING WORKING CLASS.