Monday, May 11, 2009

Love Log

Now that the weather has become somewhat sunnier, clothes are inevitably becoming skimpier and, as a result, ever larger areas of flesh are being exposed to the light of day (mostly by people who really ought to keep it covered). One inevitable consequence of such disclothesure is that people who’ve invested in tattoos are finally able to show off their artwork to the general public.

In the majority of cases, the illustrations are quite banal stuff – roses, eagles, snakes, and so on – but in a few, declarations of undying affection are displayed. “Dave Loves Diana” is one such I saw yesterday on someone’s upper arm, for example. Another was a heart symbol, pierced by an arrow, with the names Kaz and Jenna on each side. This, presumably, was for the benefit of the semi-literate public.

But why do people do this? From personal experience, I know that this relationship business is a little too impermanent to commemorate with something as permanent as an indelible tattoo. It's rather like immortalizing "Big Brother" contestants on the Hollywood Walk of Fame or taking out a long-term mortgage on an equatorial igloo.

So what happens if and (inevitably) when you split up? You can either try to laser the tattoo off, I suppose, or have it amended in some way, both of which are fairly expensive, uncomfortable options.

I have therefore come up with a far better idea: Rather than attempt to obliterate the original tattoo, why not simply leave it there? Then you can list any subsequent relationships sequentially down one arm, together with their beginning and end dates. It would work like a car's log book. In this way, you’d be able to see, at a glance, whom your prospective partner had been with in the past and for exactly how long. This would give you and all others a pretty accurate idea about his or her general fidelity, views on commitment, quality of shag, and so forth.

Unless, of course, they ran out of arm space. Then they might have to start on a leg, or begin listing the names down their chest or back, and thence to other parts of their anatomy. But then, at least, the request “show us your tits” or “let’s see your cock” would no longer be regarded as a sexist, insulting term, but quite simply a polite inquiry into the quality and duration of one’s past intimate liaisons.


Anonymous said...

If they said Lets see your cock Joe they would be disappointed.Not so much room to tattoo an initial.

Joe Slavko said...

Au contraire. It could easily accommodate "Joseph P. Slavko B.A (Hons) M.Phil. DPPS." In 72 point type.

Joe Slavko said...

And that's when it's flaccid, too.

Anonymous said...

So secure you had to say it twice! But Joe it is meat and therefore haram to any veggie! BTW I was looking at Turkish language websites (don't ask) and got linked to the CIA website! You can see the Yanks take the war seriously. Catch Tarquin or Vanessa doing that, okay ya?

Montesqusmith said...

This could be the next generation of signing. No more distinction between those able to communicate audibly and those unable. Simply nip down to local ale house, show various illustrations or comments embezzeled on the torso and 'hay presto'. The target of your affection retorts back by displaying similar tat's or, as you point out, by unsheaffing her top bollocks to respond postively to the advance. Its a winner.