Saturday, May 16, 2009


Early this morning I saw a large, blue wheelie-bin outside the bar of The Salisbury Arms. There was a sign on it which read, “Category 3 Material: Not for human consumption.” A good idea, I thought. But this does, of course, imply the existence of separate, differently coloured wheelie-bins (red and yellow, maybe) containing Categories 1 and 2 Material, which quite obviously is for human consumption.

So where were they?

To me the answer is clear: they were put out last night by the hotel management but, by sunrise, all the contents had already been eaten, so they’d had to be taken inside again to avoid disappointing people. I’d imagine that, assuming Category 3 material is indeed as inedible as the sign suggests, then Category 2 must be Okish, if not exactly delicious, while the Category 1 bin contains the really gourmet rubbish. The connoisseurs no doubt go for this bin first. Perhaps there’s even a waiting list.

I wonder who decides which rubbish is best, though, and how to classify it. There’s probably an offshoot of Michelin and Egon Ronay that publishes “The Good Bin Guide.” They send undercover inspectors out to munch their way through kitchen scraps and then report back. It must be quite an accolade for a restaurant’s bin to receive a Category 1 status. I’ll bet there’s even a Category 1 Blue Ribbon for really superlative garbage.

The trouble with having a Category 1 Blue Ribbon, however, is that, you’re then likely to find celebrities rooting through your rubbish. This is why, even if Egon Ronay or Michelin do award my own bin a Category 1 Blue Ribbon at some future date – and it obviously deserves it - I won’t go public with the fact.

It’s currently a hard enough job keeping the foxes and rats from gnawing at my bin, so I don’t want people like George Clooney, Daniel Craig, and Madonna doing it, too, otherwise I’ll have to put poison pellets and traps down. Having George Clooney found dead in a spring-loaded trap outside my house, the remains of one of my turkey escalopes still in his mouth, is something I simply don’t need at the moment.


Anonymous said...

I think Clooney would be more of a Cajun Mongoose a la Orange fan myself. This morning you passed The Salisbury Arms and at 11am wrote a post about it. The same time I was trying (& failing) to get into Sarahs pants in a small town. I may yet write about this. I expect to be awarded the Legion D'Honneur for services to literature.

Joe Slavko said...

You shouldn't have shown Sarah my Facebook photo. Naturally, her thoughts turned to me when you made your advances. Why settle for a burger when there's the possibility of steak ......?

Anonymous said...

You are a burgher, at the stake. My one eyed trouser snake failed to strike the fair 17 yr old Sarah.