Thursday, May 21, 2009

Ascension Day

Two thousand years ago, what with flying angels, celestial doves, winged chariots, thunderbolts, and the like, the skies over the Holy Land must have been heavily congested. Jesus was therefore quite lucky to get away with ascending, vertically, from a mountain top like that, without getting clearance first of all. In fact, it’s probably only through sheer luck that, today, we’re not celebrating Mid-air Collision Day.

Then again, I suppose if Jesus were attempting the same thing in this day and age, He’d have even more serious problems to contend with.

For example, during His Ascension, Jesus would have to take special care to steer clear of duck hunters. Seen from a distance, an ascending Saviour looks not unlike a mallard, especially if He's wearing one of those homespun robes as featured on the statues, and He's got His arms outstretched. Consequently, members of the hunting fraternity, out to bag a brace or two, might mistakenly open up with 12-bore shotguns. And while Jesus would probably possess the necessary speed and manoeuvrability to take evasive action, there's nevertheless always the risk, however minimal, that He might get brought down.

If I, myself, were a hunter and managed to bag a Son of God instead of a duck, most likely I'd be well pleased with myself. In fact, I'd have Him stuffed and mounted alongside my moose-head. Or I’d try to flog Him to St Vincent de Paul Church, maybe. However, some people - proprietors of Chinese restaurants out to stock up their kitchens, for example - would no doubt be heavily pissed off. Somehow, the appearance of Szechuan Crispy Jesus on the menu lacks the culinary appeal of its quacking counterpart. And I can’t see Him combining too well with pancakes and hoi sin sauce, even as an experiment in so-called “fusion food.”

1 comment:

K. McEgan said...

A highly blasphemous post Joe. Didn't some person in The Bible NT say that "flights of angels would come down if he as much as stubbed his toe?" Anyone who disagrees is a cunt like Alamo. Whatever happened to him? Cottaging in St Neots still?