Suntan Segregation

In my opinion, the Working Class shouldn't be allowed to have suntans. Or at least, if they are, some serious restrictions should be imposed on the degree or shade of tan they're permitted to acquire. Accordingly, the beaches and open spaces where these people wallow in the sun should be patrolled by armed tan-watchers, primed to spring into action whenever a prole starts turning an unsanctioned colour.

It makes perfect sense when you think about it rationally. After all, if I buy a Canali jacket, I expect it to look better than its equivalent bought in Top Shop or C&A. Similarly, if I spend a thousand or more pounds on two weeks in, say, St Lucia or Mustique, I’d want some way of differentiating my subsequent expensive international jet-set tan from a common, hoi poloi variety acquired in somewhere dead common like Blackpool or Benidorm.

Further to this, therefore, I propose the creation of special suntan lotions, designed to react with the skin and produce a different colour depending on how much you pay for your holiday. I'd suggest that lotions supplied to people who stay in five star hotels in exotic locations should turn their users a mahogany brown. On the other hand, those who can only afford a two star hotel or, God forbid, one star, in somewhere dire should be sprayed with a formula which turns them green when exposed to sunlight. Or maybe one that makes them come out in blue stripes, similar to the markings on Tesco economy products.

As for people who go to Mykonos (or any of the Greek islands for that matter, except Santorini), they should turn pink. Which is only right and fitting, because they’re probably gay, and pink is the universally acknowledged colour of gayness. This is a bit hard on straight pigs, of course, but they usually get turned into bacon and Parma ham early on in life, long before their sexuality really becomes much of an issue.