Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Confectionery

In my opinion, cars should be made edible, their bodies and engines constructed out of a mixture of chocolate, marzipan, nougat, and icing. If nothing else, this would put an end to the scourge of so-called "weekend drivers" - those FUCKING CUNTS who crawl along at 20mph, when everyone else wants to put their foot down. They'd know that if they did drive too slowly, there'd be the risk of hungry pedestrians coming up and taking a bite out of their bonnet or eating their wing mirror.

Of course, edible cars displayed in showrooms would have to be printed with a "Drive By" date in order to guarantee freshness. And I imagine they wouldn't last as long as metal cars, unless you parked them in a big fridge every evening instead of a garage. Even then, three months would be your maximum. Not that this would be a problem. Chocolate and marzipan are comparatively inexpensive compared to metal, so you could replace the whole thing quite cheaply, having first of all dined out on it, if you wished.

This freshness aspect would probably put an end to the second hand car trade, however. There's no way you could pass off a stale car as being new, and it wouldn't matter how many careful owners it had had. If any shady salesman tried the "Look at this pristine condition Volvo, John. Fresh as the day it was baked - just one previous lady owner" patter, you'd be able to take a close look and see the maggots crawling out. The smell would probably be enough to put you off.

Edible cars would be a lot cheaper to repair, too, if small accidents took place. For instance, if you had a scrape, you'd simply take the car to a baker to be re-iced. Or you could even do it yourself. And high-speed road accidents would no longer be fatal. The consequence of what would in effect be two lumps of chocolate and marzipan colliding would probably be a new confectionery creation rather than a wreck.

There would be the risk, though, that really fat people might eat their cars and then claim on the insurance forms that they'd been stolen in order to get a free replacement. To prevent this, anyone with a waist in excess of 34 inches should be stomach-pumped when he submits his claims form, and the contents examined, just to be on the safe side.

6 comments:

K. McEgan. said...

How would someone of my considerable girth fit into such a machine?I would need to eat the doors.Cyber stalker creepy Chicken McNuggets is watching (but just regurgitates on MyT) So a special message to him. **** you!LL.M Cantab indeed.Up the Gurkhas!

Joe Slavko said...

I can't understand what it is you're doing in the gym if you still have such substantial girth. I, myself, have the physique of a Greek god thanks to my regular workouts.

K. McEgan. said...

Serious weightlifting.Powerlifting.That is why my legs needed X rays. Results soon.

K. McEgan. said...

Which Greek God Joe?Aphrodite?

Joe Slavko said...

Hercules, of course.

K. McEgan. said...

Surely Apollo with your puny arms?