Thursday, March 12, 2009

Body Double

You often hear of film stars requiring body doubles because certain bits of their anatomy just aren’t up to standard. Michael Douglas is a case in point. I read yesterday that, in the film “Basic Instinct”, the arse that’s displayed as he walks across the bedroom in the moonlight isn’t actually his own, but belongs to another, more posterially pert actor. Likewise, Demi Moore’s tits in the film “Indecent Proposal” were actually played by a model who specialises in mammary roles.

I approve wholeheartedly of this. Indeed, I feel that the concept ought to be applied in the real world, too, not just in the cinema and on television.

In my opinion, therefore, people’s individual physical attributes should be graded on a 1 to 10 basis. Bits that score 4 or below should be required by law to be hidden from public view. So if, say, you’re a woman and your knees score only 3½, you should be legally obliged to hire the services of body double. You’d then perch on her shoulders, your legs concealed by her jacket, while she displayed her own knees on your behalf. Likewise with other body parts. And if the aggregate of your body parts scores 4 or below, you should be walled up in your home and forbidden to go outside. Instead, you would be required to pay for a body double to impersonate you on a day to day basis.

Naturally, all this would be expensive. So I suggest that, when they’re young, people take out an insurance policy against turning ugly when they get older. Of course, the premiums would be far higher for those with two ugly parents, as there’d be more likelihood of their turning out nausea-inducing themselves in later life. Then again, I suppose you could defray some of the costs by agreeing to be exhibited in a freak show should this worst-case scenario actually happen.

Talking of which, most of the people in this village look as if they belong in a freak show. I must inform them of this fact. Then, perhaps, they’d agree to my acting as body double in their stead. I’d make a fucking fortune.


StoatMan said...

Are we to assume that it was Sharon Stone's chuff that was on display in "Basic Instinct"?

Joe Slavko said...

According to the actress herself, it was the genuine article.

Anonymous said...

Nah dat is wot we call a punnany doubl,innit?

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