Friday, March 13, 2009

Traffic Management

I am sure everyone is aware of the existence of bell peppers, or capsicums as they're also known to Americans (or should that be capsica?). Hitherto, though, I'm sure most people regarded them merely as an edible vegetable, and nothing else. But now I have decided that they could be of some road safety value, too.

Red peppers actually start out green. It's as they slowly ripen that they gradually become red. This being the case, I reckon that they would make ideal "traffic lights" for snails.

At the moment, busy snail intersections can be lethal accident black-spots. Speeding snails, impatient to be on their way, simply don't pay attention to what's coming from their left and right sides. They just bomb across the junctions regardless. Little wonder that there are so many snail fatalities.

However, if unripened peppers were to be positioned at the crossroads, they would be able to control the traffic flow with great efficiency. Upon seeing a green pepper, the snail would know that it was safe to cross the intersection. But once that pepper turned red, he would know that he had to stop. In the meantime, in the other direction, a fresh green pepper would spring forth from the ground, indicating "Go".

Of course, it would be necessary to carefully co-ordinate the pepper growth cycles. It would be extremely hazardous, for example, if, due to adverse climatic conditions, none of the peppers ripened. Both lanes would be on "Go" and carnage would result. Conversely, if both sets of peppers were to ripen simultaneously, there would be gridlock.

Naturally, there's always going to be some cunt who'll try to jump the red pepper. To discourage this, large pots of salt should be suspended above the intersections, controlled by a mollusc GATSO. Upon spotting a miscreant, it would automatically tip the salt over him thus rendering him desiccated.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Intersection?What is wrong with either junction or crossroads?You sound like a Yank,next it will be "I was at Vine and Ninth and this Puerto Rican came outta da store..."Sodding hell.Are we to be treated to "So like,Cate & I are kinda dating y'know I ain't committmentophobic its just I need to find my neutral space.Ohmigahd".
A Joe M. Slavko production.