Jump

An acquaintance of mine is going on a so-called “sponsored walk” and wants me to pledge some cash. I’m frankly a bit bothered by the whole enterprise, particularly as it’s something of a misnomer. This is because it’s not the walking itself that accrues the money, but how far she walks. In other words, I’ve got to pay her more if she manages, say, 20 miles rather than just two. So it should properly be called a “sponsored distance.”

Given this, I’m now a bit pissed off with another acquaintance. She’s going on a sponsored parachute jump. But, unlike the walker, who earns per mile, this one expects to get the same whether she drops ten feet or 10,000. Either way, as soon as she leaves the plane, I’m stung for the full amount. I can’t even renege on it if her parachute fails to open because, technically speaking, she’ll still have done the jump and covered the full distance to the ground. Whereas, at least with the walker, there’s a chance that she’ll twist her ankle, break her leg, or get run over before she finishes, so I won’t be as out-of-pocket.

In all honesty, however, I can’t think of anything to suggest to the jumper that might help reduce my exposure. I suppose I could insist that she jumps out of the plane over a highly-forested area or above high-voltage pylons, then there’s a least a chance she’ll get stuck in a tree or electrocuted. Then again, even if she does, she could point to the contract (or, in the electrocution case, her Estate could) and hold me to my pledge, pointing out that it’s the jump I was sponsoring, not how far she got, and the fact she didn’t manage the last 20 feet or so is neither here nor there. The cunt.

I’m just glad I don’t live in New Testament times, though. Back then, if you sponsored Jesus or the Virgin Mary on a sponsored jump, they no doubt would have insisted that you paid for, not just the jump, but the distance covered. This is because, just before they hit the ground, an angel would come forth and raise them back up into the Heavens, thus allowing them to perform another descent. And another. And another. So you’d be out millions of denarii, having rendered both to Caesar and to God.

Little wonder the Church is now so fucking rich.