Red Hot Love Machine

This morning, when I went down to the newsagent in order to collect my up-market, intellectual Sunday newspapers, I happened to catch sight of a couple of tabloids that are aimed primarily at members of the Working Class. Both carried somewhat identical special features, along the lines of "How to turn yourself into a red-hot lover."

As I already am one, there wasn't much point my buying either title, even if I felt inclined to stoop to the level of reading a tabloid. However, their subject matter did give me pause for thought. It occurred to me that both papers regularly carry these sorts of features, maybe every three months or so. The thing is, though, if, say, Gordon Ramsay were to publish "Ten tips on producing a perfect soufflé", but had to repeat himself every three months, you'd either think that the recipes themselves were fundamentally flawed, or else that the people reading them were too thick to take the information onboard in the first place.

So what is it with the Working Class? If they actually had got the message they’d all now be sizzling love machines, surely. Clearly, though, this isn't the case. If it were, respectable, frustrated women the length and breadth of the land would be commuting to council estates in places like Toxteth, Stockwell, and Croydon in order to get a decent porking.

But they don't, because they know that - notwithstanding the efforts of The News of the World and The Sunday People - the average Working Class erection lasts about three seconds, and that Working Class foreplay consists of reaching over to turn out the light. Further, they know that Working Class men (and women, for that matter) all weight at least 18 stone, thanks to their diet of lard sandwiches and Economy Lager. Even if they did possess the necessary sexual technique to give women pleasure, their physical appearance would act as an instant turn-off.

It is obviously impossible to teach the proletariat how to do it properly. And we should be thankful that it is. If they actually got to enjoy it, their already disproportionately high birth rate would go right through the roof. Does the world really need more Social Security scroungers and car radio thieves? In opinion, it's highly irresponsible of the tabloids to attempt to put ideas into their heads.