AC/DC

Back in the 1970s (and, as far as I’m aware, the expression might still be used today), if you wanted to describe someone as being bisexual, you’d say that he was “AC/DC.”

As you may know, in its original context, this describes electrical current. AC is the alternating variety, while DC stands for Direct Current. So why apply the terms to someone’s bedroom inclinations? It’s obvious, really: Electricity must be just as susceptible to variations in sexuality as humans. But which of the two is the gay electricity?

Could it be AC? I think not. Alternating Current is the electricity that comes from the national grid and which powers all domestic electrical appliances. If it were gay, it would, for example, go into my electrically operated fridge and turn its contents, including my milk, my frozen peas, and my ice cubes gay. Over a period of time, ingesting such foodstuffs would undoubtedly turn whoever ate them gay, as well. Thus far, however (and I’ve had nearly 50 years of exposure), I remain straight. Putting ice cubes into my gin and tonic doesn’t make me suddenly want to put on one of those leather biker caps, head off to The Admiral Duncan on Old Compton Street, and take it up the arse.

The inescapable conclusion, therefore, is that it has to be the DC electricity that does make people want to put on one of those leather biker caps, head off to The Admiral Duncan on Old Compton Street, and take it up the arse. Users of DC-powered electrical goods – those with batteries, in other words - should be warned. These include i-Pods, portable strimmers, and battery-operated shavers. (Though, arguably, anyone who uses a battery-operated shaver – any electric shaver, for that matter - is already gay and so the warning would be superfluous.)

In my opinion, manufacturers should label such devices with a clearly legible sign saying, “Caution: Repeated use of this product may turn you into a homosexual.” Then you’ve got no grounds for complaint if and when it eventually happens.

On the up-side, however, this does suggest that the condition of gayness can be easily reversed. All a homosexual need do to turn straight is plug himself into the mains. After all, how many people who’ve used an AC electric chair in the United States have gone on to bugger anyone?

QED, then.